By Paul Preston
A recent business school study sought to test the limits of foodstuff giant Burger King’s oft boasted invitation to “Have It Your Way®.” This is what they found:
Foodstuffs Engineer:
Wait, what? I don’t think I
heard you.
Agent Paul: Twins. I’d like
an order of twins.
F.E.: I don’t understand.
A.P.: You know, like, hot,
Swedish schoolgirl twins.
Big tits, no mayo.
F.E.: Uhhhh… I-
A.P.: How long will that
take?
F.E.: You should leave.
***********
F.E.: Sir, look, I’m sorry,
but I’m not going to call
you a maggot.
Agent Doug: Come on,
you know I’ve been bad.
Tell me I’m a bad boy...
F.E.: Could you just
take your Whopper, sir?
A.D.: Do you think
I deserve it? Come
on, teach me a lesson.
F.E.: Sir, please don’t
do that to your nipples.
A.D.: Come on baby, tell
me what I need to hear.
F.E.: (glances over shoulder).
Okay, you’re gonna
take this Whopper. You’re
gonna take it like the
bitch you are, and you’re
gonna love every minute
of it, you dirty little slut.
A.D.: ......I’d like to
speak to your manager.
***********
F.E.: Ooookay, double
whopper coming up. Anything
else?
Agent Ben: Uhh, yeah…
while you’re finishing up,
sing the last stanza to “Pinball
Wizard.”
F.E.: What? Um… I’m
sorry, but… I-
A.B.: It’s okay if you don’t
know the words, humming
the guitar riff would
be cool, too.
F.E.: That’s not what I
mean, see-
A.B.: Do it or I tell your
manager you molested my
children.
F.E.: … dum dum dum
daaaa daaaa diggadigga…
A.B.: …Suuure plaayzaa
meeeean piiiin
baaaaall…