By Andy Jones
Carolina Dining services issued an announcement Thursday implying that they have finally realized why they are losing money. “The food at Rams Head sucks,” proclaimed the announcement, which may have been the shortest press release ever issued.
The announcement confirms suspicion that what Rams Head lacks in traditional, unappealing, bottomshelf food service facilities – it sure is swanky, huh – it makes up for in quality of food.
“It really is horrible,” commented senior Barry Anderson. “I ate there for the first time last week and could hardly distinguish between the flavored cardboard they use for the pizza and the flavored cardboard they use for the chicken. As much as it pains me to say it, even Chase was better.”
“I don’t know why it took us so long to figure it out,” commented Fred Bissinger, resident district manager of CDS,“We were going about it all wrong. We knew students were wasting food and we were losing money, so we started to use cheaper ingredients and preparation methods to try to cut our losses. Students, then, expecting a slightly higher quality of food than we were delivering, would attribute this discrepancy to the particular entrée they were eating, not to the reduced quality of our food in general.”
“They would, therefore, ” he continued, “throw away their entrée, citing that it ‘sucks,’ and go get something else. Finding that this entrée also sucked, they would throw it out as well, and try again. This process would continue until the student had sampled everything the dining hall had to offer, yet was still not full.”
“We would, in turn, see increased financial losses resulting from the increased amount of wasted food and compensate by ordering even cheaper ingredients. However, now we realize that all we have to do to get in the black is serve food that students do not find disgusting. Unfortunately, our accountants won’t let us spring for real cheese.”
“Idiots,” commented sophomore Eric Lawson. “But what do you expect from a place called Rams Head? Come on, people. Ram’s Head! Apostrophe!”