By Paul Preston
Kalvi-zoth Hakkursh, The Empty Eldritch of the Searing Voids, announced
Monday that a conglomeration of demons, devils, and generally unsavory
spiritual beings have founded a charity dubbed the Be Careful What You
Make A Wish For Foundation, which aims to provide children suffering from
terminal illnesses one last wonderful whatever-they-please in exchange for
their immortal souls.
“We’re as surprised as anyone that nobody’s considered seriously tapping into this market before,” stated Hakkursh in the form of a mindchilling spiritual reverberation tearing right into reporters’ very fabric of awareness. “Thousands of children around the world are in this terribly awkward state where they have only a short time to do everything they wanted in life, but they would need some kind of cosmic power, like that wielded by the shape-shifting sorceress know to humans as Oprah for example, to accomplish it.” Letting out a laugh that made innocents scream in terror the world over, he boasted, “That’s where we come in. We’re trying to tap the expendable soul market before these babies are out of our merciless grasp forever.”
Soul technician Chelavozel, maintenance specter from the plane of reality known as the Harrowing Oblivion of Unbeing, elaborates. “See, human souls are a source of unimaginable spiritual power for nether-beings, and as such command a pretty serious premium. High-purity children’s souls are especially sought after, which is unfortunate for us since child deaths are relatively uncommon and, when they do occur, are more often than not protected from our black grasp by their youthful innocence. Therefore, desperate, hopeful kids on the verge of death are a real hellsend in our line of work.”
The greatest controversy of the group stems from their tendency to fulfill children’s wishes in a way that leaves them wholly unsatisfied. One “Genie,” as administrators of the foundation jokingly refer to field workers, received lots of attention after granting little Timmy O’leary’s wish for a new kidney. Two days after Timmy made his wish, doctors told his parents that a donor had been found and that their son would undergo surgery immediately. Timmy survived the surgery, but his body rejected the new organ, which was later determined to be that of a pig, and died within 48 hours. The dark being responsible for granting Timmy’s wish, whose name is the sound made by a man falling into an incinerating pit of hellfire yet clawing for his life during his descent against walls made from the same material as blackboards, defended himself. “Never said it had to be human,” he commented.
Another case of a wish gone bad is that of David Goldstein, who wished for the ability to fly like Superman without, as eighth-circle world-bender Inxxhanall of Arithius pointed out in a subsequent lawsuit, also requesting the physical invulnerability that would allow one to reach mach-3 speeds without one’s flesh being ripped from one’s bones by wind-resistance.
“Oh, come on,” commented David’s mother, Mrs. Goldstein, “He only got to fly for like two minutes. That’s hardly worth a soul! We deserve a refund.”
Genies often gloat over the creative ways they have exploited the verbal loopholes of poorly worded requests. Arkontanz the Wishlord, for example, mused, “One time this little wheel-chair-bound girl named Suzie wished for a pair of working legs. Silly girl didn’t specify where! Whoo, you should have seen the look on her face when she realized she had a pair of thunder-thighs growing right out of her ears. Gives a whole new meaning to putting your foot in your mouth… Yeah, she tried to do it, too, thought I’d get a kick out of it. Poor girl couldn’t even hold her head up long enough, though. But, oh, it would’ve been funny. Damnit why do I like thunder thighs!”