Washington D.C. news media reported that U2 frontman and noted humanitarian Bono briefly removed his sunglasses at a press conference Monday, subjecting those present to a fleeting glimpse of the unadulterated Light of God streaming from his eyes.

“It was beautiful...so damn..beautiful,” wept clearly overcome Rolling Stone reporter Angela Motts. “For those few seconds when Bono took off his shades to get something off of the lens . . .it was truly like gazing at the face of God. Like having the answers to all of life’s questions fulfilled."

Others in attendance reported similar feelings of awe and enrapture, including photographer and longtime U2 fan Peter Schmidt.

“I swear for a second, just for a second, I saw my dead grandma Nora and my childhood dog Skipper,” Schmidt recounted outside the conference center. “And then Bono put his sunglasses back on and kept on talking about the escalating crisis in Uganda. The moment was over. But I will treasure it for the rest of my life.”

“Are you kidding? Bono pulled that same stunt back in Chicago during the “Elevation” tour,” mentioned music critic Blaine Thatcher. “I thought it was cool at the time also, but it lost its novelty this time. And you know? Bono’s hair has never really been the same since the “Rattle and Hum” days. I don’t know if I can respect the man anymore.”

When reached for comments, U2 guitarist The Edge remarked that such miraculous occurrences are common.

“Yeah. He really likes to fuck with us,” said Mr. Edge via telephone. “If it’s not the sunglasses trick, it’s turning our breakfast tea into whiskey or dividing a single pastrami sandwich into many just to prove that he can.”

School of Fish considers surreal humor “banana”
By Bill Lane

Writing Center to offer graffiti workshop
By Clayton Margeson

The Writing Center, having spent years helping students improve their writing skills, has announced a workshop on writing more “effective” graffiti. It is their hope, according to English professor and spokeswoman Susan Ivers, to “help struggling writers to improve their diction while defacing property.”

Ivers has held many other workshops, including Proper E-Mail Length, Enhanced Dirty Talk, and Poignant Threatening Letters. She hopes that this effort will make men’s room stalls a more palatable forum for airing grievances.

“Graffiti is one of the most popular mediums in our community,” Ivers said. “We should teach these kids not only proper spelling, but how to effectively communicate their disrespect.”

Aside from the mechanics of spraypaint cans, the workshop will cover spelling tips, the difference between ‘crunk’ and ‘cronk,’ and the real meaning of the “good time” to be had by calling a girl.

“We’re very excited to have some of the best graffiti teachers in the world, especially G 2 Dogs. He’s the one who taught inner city kids that less is more by replacing “Stop the war in Iraq” with “Fuck Bush.”

Government to use dolphins for defusing land mines
By Tommy Allen

In an unanticipated move today, the U.S. Department of Defense announced a new plan to protect the United States from the many dangers of minefields. As they put it: “The Navy already has a group of dolphins they use to defuse sea mines; they’re intelligent and dexterous. We’re going to adapt their idea; we’re going to establish a landbased fleet of dolphins to defuse land mines.”

Shortly after this announcement, someone informed the DoD chair that dolphins do not function adequately out of water. Not to be deterred, the Department promptly earmarked millions of federal dollars to develop reversescuba equipment intended to keep the dophins alive out of water, and another $500,000 to hire someone to come up with an acronymn. They ended up going with ABUCS (AirBorne Underwater Control System). However, the device itself was an utter failure, so the DoD decided they’d just drop them on the minefields, defusing the mines the old-fashioned way. Initial research and retrofitting of bombers is gearing up already, and plans are already underway to increase efficiency by using larger animals, such as blue whales.