Hot off the Press:
The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008
Carolina Girls: Best in the World!
Bitch, I got the best pieces of ass in the world!
The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008
- Wayne Ellington could end Orange County Drought
- Riots in Kenya leaves all of Africa officially screwed
- Bounce Treasurer smites staff for own pleasure
- Bounce Explains the Leap Year
Carolina Girls: Best in the World!
Bitch, I got the best pieces of ass in the world!
- Washing their hair (58%)
- Transferring to UNC (42%)
- Getting taken to the cleaners by every team (23%)
- Watching “Gossip Girl” online (12%)
- Taking Sidney Lowe jacket to the cleaners (3.3%)
- Cow Tipping (3%)
February 2008 Articles
- Center Spread: The BoUNCe Squad!
- Top Ten Things To Do When Your Roommate is Out
- New “smoker zeppelin” to provide
a solution for smokers on campus
- Italy’s youngest man dies at age 42
- Cool dude, 24 m, seeks
hot female. No fatties.
- Hillary Clinton proves strong men also cry
- Patriots go back in time, win every superbowl
- Smokin’ hot dancing causes inferno
- Ask Alli
- Harrison Ford falls down,
shatters dreams and pelvis
- “Video Game Hero” positively reviewed
- Evangelist escorted off B.J. Campus
- BoUNCe writer fails to get drunk
- Grammar Nazis declare war on the passive voice
- Awkward turtle attacks
- Alternate things to do with “that ho”
- X-treme Environmentalism
- GOP: Revolution was un-American
- The BoUNCe Halftime Show
Italy’s youngest man dies at age 42
By Lee Czerw
The youngest surviving
Italian, Guido “Baby”
Cavalcanti, died on Monday,
January 14, at age 42.
Italy’s 53 remaining citizens
mourned his death for several
hours, after which most
of them forgot who he was,
because of their Alzheimer’s.
“I quit. There’s just nobody
left to govern,” Italian
Prime Minister Romano
Prodi told BoUNCe. “I’m
the only member of my party,
anyway. I had to change
my party’s name from the
Olive Tree coalition to
the Democratic Party after
I realized everyone else
was dead, and one person
couldn’t be called a “coalition.”
Everyone’s too senile
to know who I am, anyway.”
Italy’s fertility rate has
been plummeting for decades.
In 1995, the birth rate
dropped to -5. Experts blame
the Catholic Church, the
lack of public daycare, and
the general unattractiveness
of Italian women for this decline.
Despite Italy’s population
of 53, 43 political parties
remain in existence. Prominent
parties include the
UDC (United Denture Cabal),
the Lega Matlock, and
the SD (Senile Democrats).
Silvio Berlusconi, the
leader of Forza Italia, which,
with two members, is Italy’s
largest political party, swore
himself in as Prime Minister
following Prodi’s resignation.
“Finally, I’ve become
the absolute ruler of Italy!
I’m unstoppable!” an exultant
Berlusconi told a group
of ten Alzheimer’s-ridden
men and women, most of
whom seemed to be under
the impression that they
were watching an episode
of Matlock. “You can all expect
lower taxes and higher
pensions! I’ll also take some
measures against the drop in
fertility, before it gets out of
hand. Don’t worry, I have
a plan to save our beloved
Italy. It involves Romanian
prostitutes. Lots of them.”
Berlusconi is also the owner
of Italy’s sole surviving television
station, which would
be considered a conflict of
interest if Berlusconi were
not also the only member of
Italy’s Constitutional Court.
“I’ll a-save Italy!” aging
video game star Mario, 78,
told BoUNCe. While attempting
to shatter a brick
wall with his head, Mario
broke his back and several of
his ribs. He died three hours
later, en route to Italy’s sole
remaining hospital.