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The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008

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Carolina Girls: Best in the World!
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Bitch, I got the best pieces of ass in the world!
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What NC State is doing instead of winning:
  1. Washing their hair (58%)
  2. Transferring to UNC (42%)
  3. Getting taken to the cleaners by every team (23%)
  4. Watching “Gossip Girl” online (12%)
  5. Taking Sidney Lowe jacket to the cleaners (3.3%)
  6. Cow Tipping (3%)


Cool dude, 24 m, seeks hot female. No fatties.

By Eric Azares
Hot Tea Mod

I sit here slouched in my 20-year-old bean bag chair, in my Wrangler jean shorts, eating my half-cooked Ramen noodles. Yes, I live in my parents’ basement (rent free! Wooooo!) and yes, I am not exactly a Mark Hamill stunt double. But just because when I raise my arms, the fat spilling out of the sides of my T-shirt resembles a busted cookie dough cylinder, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to treat a lady. I will call you on the p h o n e , c h a t , agree with you, and basically treat you like Princess Leia (but not like in “Return of the Jedi” when she was stripped down to a metal bikini and chained to a giant slug, I’m too much of a gentleman to have you do something so degrading). Sure, I will wine and dine you-- I know all about the rules of the game, and I am totally ready to play! In my duct-tape wallet I have not one, not two, but THREE, count ‘em, THREE Hardee’s buyone- get-one-free coupons for us to share, which, if you play your cards right, could lead up to two long days and three wild nights of hot, cheap, Horsey- Sauce®-drenched excitement! But I’ll let you order first most of the time, because I am a gentleman. I’m willing to make sacrifices and take the second meal of equal-or-lesser value. These coupons may expire, but our love never will. Let’s see, about me.. I’m very much into “Lord of the Rings” (I have the extended super-deluxe director’s cut box set, the one with the collectors-edition Gollum/Smeagol bookends) and it’s basically my life. KIDDING. If you’re lucky we’ll watch it together. I am also into World of Warcraft (that is, when my neighbor’s wireless signal is strong enough). Career wise, I’m fairly independent. I quit my old job because it was too demanding— I got fed up of the all traveling, the pressure, the strict dress code, and getting the door slammed in my face by beautiful women. Plus, Domino’s Pizza sucked. However, my bro Kevin still hooks me up with free toppings, and I kept the delivery uniform (my own little revenge, lol). I’m pretty sick at Guitar Hero and I aspire to start my own rock band. I will take over MTV one day and truly believe in what I do. I’m fun, cool, have great personalities, a hilarious sense of humor, and I’m basically the ultimate man. If you were to combine every super hero and take away their super powers, that would be me. What I’m looking for: Well, you have to look totally hot in a skirt or bikini, and cook me Hot Pockets. Oh, and drive me to my job interviews every now and then ( I only get my to use my mother’s Volvo station wagon on Thursdays, if I return it before 6:00pm with a full tank of gas.) If you’re bisexual, that’s fine, feel free to bring over girlfriends for some “power of three” action! Please, only hot chicks respond to this, ugly girls will be deleted, I mean it.