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The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008

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What NC State is doing instead of winning:
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  2. Transferring to UNC (42%)
  3. Getting taken to the cleaners by every team (23%)
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  5. Taking Sidney Lowe jacket to the cleaners (3.3%)
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Patriots go back in time, win every superbowl

By Matthew Wait
Grimsley

The New England Patriots announced on Wednesday that they had successfully invented a time machine and had plans to travel back in time and win every single Super Bowl. “Naturally, with our team being completely unstoppable this year, we have a desire to be completely unstoppable every year—past, present, and yes, future,” said head coach Bill Belichick at a press conference. “And that’s not all. We have a few more tricks up our sleeves.” These tricks were soon brought to light with the unveiling of a giant patriotic tyrannosaurus that Belichick fitted with a saddle and rode away on. There were several “completely successful” test runs of the time machine, which resulted in several new additions to the Patriots team including Atilla the Hun, the Biblical Goliath, a T-1000, and replacing half the special teams with Morlocks. Soon after Bill Belichick made the announcement to 300 fans and members of the press, it was expected to create a controversy among other head coaches of the NFL. “He’s…he’s what?” said Mike Tomlin, head coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers. “…No, seriously? Are you kidding me?” Other coaches reacted with anger. “There’s no way he can pull that. He can’t take that perfect season away from us,” said Tony Sparano, recently established head coach of the Miami Dolphins. “It’s…it’s all we have left,” Sparano continued, breaking into sobs. Players in the league also seemed to share a sense of outrage. “Man, if they try that shit, you can bet there’ll be some grandpakillin’ shit goin’ down,” said Jason Campbell of the Washington Redskins. Patriots fans, on the other hand, are excited by the recent development. “Wooooo! Go Patriots! Wooooo!” said John Menson, a longtime Patriots fan since 2007, though he claims to have been there “since the beginning.” Members of the Patriots team also seemed to share the sense of excitement. “Forty-two rings, baby! Forty-two rings!” exclaimed Randy Moss, wide receiver for the Patriots. “That’s more than I have fingers or toes! Where am I gonna put all that shit? I don’t know, but forty-two!” This was just moments before he faded out of existence, in what football fans are calling, “The result of an errant ball he threw at Superbowl XII, which struck and killed his future father, thusly ensuring that he would never be born.” These massive timeline shifts have also had an impact in Egypt, where the Sphinx has been replaced by a giant statue commemorating owner Robert Kraft. Many of the players worry over what longterm effects will be felt from the continuous time travelling. “Pay heed, for this ungodly nightmare has the mark of what we have wrought within the depths of our souls -- a catastrophe of epic proportions that we are both guilty of and could never have known in our wildest and most dreadful fantasies,” whispered Guh Guh, the team’s field goal kicker and self-proclaimed head Morlock.