The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008
- Wayne Ellington could end Orange County Drought
- Riots in Kenya leaves all of Africa officially screwed
- Bounce Treasurer smites staff for own pleasure
- Bounce Explains the Leap Year
Carolina Girls: Best in the World!
Bitch, I got the best pieces of ass in the world!
- Washing their hair (58%)
- Transferring to UNC (42%)
- Getting taken to the cleaners by every team (23%)
- Watching “Gossip Girl” online (12%)
- Taking Sidney Lowe jacket to the cleaners (3.3%)
- Cow Tipping (3%)
February 2008 Articles
- Center Spread: The BoUNCe Squad!
- Top Ten Things To Do When Your Roommate is Out
- New “smoker zeppelin” to provide
a solution for smokers on campus
- Italy’s youngest man dies at age 42
- Cool dude, 24 m, seeks
hot female. No fatties.
- Hillary Clinton proves strong men also cry
- Patriots go back in time, win every superbowl
- Smokin’ hot dancing causes inferno
- Ask Alli
- Harrison Ford falls down,
shatters dreams and pelvis
- “Video Game Hero” positively reviewed
- Evangelist escorted off B.J. Campus
- BoUNCe writer fails to get drunk
- Grammar Nazis declare war on the passive voice
- Awkward turtle attacks
- Alternate things to do with “that ho”
- X-treme Environmentalism
- GOP: Revolution was un-American
- The BoUNCe Halftime Show
Ever since the 1989 film “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” the aging actor Harrison Ford has only dreamed of the day when he could once again pretend to be a sexy, adventurous archaeologist. Earlier this week, however, this dream was dashed to pieces, along with his pelvis, in his Hollywood home. According to reports, Ford was attempting to cook dinner when he spilled a bowl of soup. In his haste to clean it up, however, he tragically broke his pelvis in several places. The long-term effects of this calamity might have been mitigated had the aging actor only been able to reach a telephone and call for help. However, with nobody else in the house, Ford was forced to lie helplessly on his kitchen floor for two days until his housekeeper found him. This two-day delay has complicated the healing process, and doctors say he may never fully regain his ability to scamper nimbly away from gigantic rolling boulders in narrow passageways. Only one week before the accident, Ford noticed his declining health and ordered Life Alert, which, ironically, was delivered to his home only hours after the accident to sit uselessly at his front door throughout the ordeal. In addition to the obvious difficulties Ford will experience with stunts in the future, the ordeal brought attention to the fact that he is in fact old and was indeed moving in slow motion at the time of his injury. Ford denies the idea that his age will negatively impact his movie career saying, “This type of accident could happen to anyone, and look at people like Sylvester Stallone . . . he’s about my age and he looks like he’s recovering from a massive stroke, but people still think he’s a badass right!?” Unfortunately for Ford, while Stallone may have been able to continue making action movies in his old age, there may not be a place in Hollywood for another senile badass. However, when one door closes, another one opens. Producers for a seventh “Star Wars” movie have approached Ford and asked him to play a role in the upcoming film. Ford was elated and immediately agreed. However, instead of playing Han Solo, as Ford had thought, Ford was cast for the role of Storm Trooper Number Fourteen. “Nobody wants to check out Ford anymore. I mean, he shattered his pelvis in his kitchen! So we casted Brad Pitt instead. He would make a much better Han Solo. We sort of felt bad for the old geezer, so we found something for him to do. Storm Trooper 14 doesn’t even have to move, so there’s no worries about him breaking anything else”. Joining Ford in the Storm Troopers cast include one of the Brady brothers (does it matter which?) and Daniel Baldwin.