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The Up In Smoke Issue
February 2008

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Carolina Girls: Best in the World!
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Bitch, I got the best pieces of ass in the world!
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What NC State is doing instead of winning:
  1. Washing their hair (58%)
  2. Transferring to UNC (42%)
  3. Getting taken to the cleaners by every team (23%)
  4. Watching “Gossip Girl” online (12%)
  5. Taking Sidney Lowe jacket to the cleaners (3.3%)
  6. Cow Tipping (3%)

Newsbriefs
Wayne Ellington could end Orange County Drought

Heather Giuffre
intro Wayne “The Rain” Ellington’s incredible 36 point breakout game versus Clemson caught the attention of fans, opposing coaches, NBA scouts, and most importantly, Orange County’s water authorities. “He truly showed us that he could ‘make it rain’ when he laid down those 36 points and the winning three in overtime. His shot is so smooth that every swish is like a falling raindrop,” stated water analyst George Terman, as he made a jump shot motion. “Splash.” According to the North Carolina Drought Advisory Board, Orange County is currently facing “exceptional drought conditions,” just a mere step below the most extreme “Drier than Hillary Clinton’s vagina” level. “We believe if Ellington could score just even 20 points per game, the water level could rise back up to a normal level by the time March Madness starts,” Terman said. “He only scored 13 against N.C. State and ok versus Maryland, but we’re expecting big things from ‘The Rain.’” His new nickname has caught on quickly, more so than his last one, “Bass.” When asked to comment, Ellington responded “Listen, I don’t know how you got my number, but for the last time, I will not introduce you to the basketball team. Ever. Stop calling me.” Ellington is not the first person hired to stop the drought. Previously, Fat Joe was recruited by the board after claiming he could “make it rain on ‘dem hoes” but was unable to deliver.
Riots in Kenya leaves all of Africa officially screwed

Sarah Wolper

With riots and tribal violence sweeping across Kenya in recent weeks, the United Nations declared that all of Africa is now “officially fucked.” “Kenya was our last hope,” said UN spokeswoman Elizabeth Walter in a press conference Monday. “A stable government, a thriving tourism industry. It was the one bright spot in a cesspool of horrors. Now, we can definitely affirm that the whole of the African continent is just one big mire of death and destruction.” Kenyans reacted favorably to the news that their nation had, at long last, caught up with the rest of Africa in terms of sheer awfulness. “This is an exciting day for Kenya,” said goat farmer Mkwele Ngingi as guerrilla soldiers torched his mud hut. “Now we will finally experience a connection with the rest of Africa. We are very proud.” “The rioters killed my last goat today,” Ngingi added. “How will I ever feed my nine children now? We have reached a new low. Our joy knows no bounds. I hope to get AIDS soon, too.” On a related note, singer Bono has acknowledged Kenya for the first time ever, and promises to reduce suffering by writing a song in the nation’s honor.

Bounce Treasurer smites staff for own pleasure

Jack Garvey
After whining about not getting any of his article submissions into the third issue of the Fall semester, Treasurer Jack Hamilton Garvey, Jr., decided not to seek funding from Student Congress for a third Spring issue. He reasoned that if none of his articles would be published, then there was no cause to print a third issue at all. No one would bother to read it. He also claimed he could write better drunk than the rest of the staff sober. Garvey has already started a new publication called PoUNCe Magazine, a spoof of the spoof. It experienced immediate success and exceeded the prominence of BoUNCe Magazine within mere weeks. People speculate that its triumph might have to do with the magazine being newer or having more publicity, but really, it’s just because the writing is significantly better.
Bounce Explains the Leap Year

Clayton Margeson
The Leap Year is a quarter-annual event. What does this mean? It means it happens every quarter year. As we all know, a year is three hundred and sixty five days, or, as the Romans called it, III hundred sixty five days. I mention the Romans because they are an integral part of the leap year. They invented it, it’s theirs, but we continue to do it because, like Christmas, if we didn’t do it, Zeus would kill us all. The Romans invented the leap year under the guidance of their greatest leader, Julius or Augustus Caesar. One of them decided, after putting the whole calendar scheme together, that it wasn’t quite difficult enough. People began to shut down, not having enough complications in their otherwise easy Roman lives. What could he do to make it a tad more complicated, and thusly distract from his overwhelming incompetence? Of course, it was the leap year. A way to fix the calendar, just like you might fix a dog. We don’t want our calendar running around fighting, humping legs. Bad calendar! That’s a no! A leap year was his way of telling everyone, “Hey, let’s chill out.” He would even include this in his frequent speeches urging the Senate to pass legislation, as we find in this Latin translation. People of the Senate who are Senators, who I am leap Julius Caesar, please, with chilling out make good Rome city is year. So, take this leap year to enjoy yourself. That extra day may be the last one you ever have, if, like its creator, you suddenly are stabbed in the back by a group of angry Italians, or die an expected death and are succeeded by a series of incompetent, inbred brats.