The Better Think Twice Issue
December 2007
- Escalator TV huge hit with hungry students
- Anti-immigration politician admits love of Mexican food
- Congress asks America to just take a nap
- The new face (meat) of Carolina Dining Services
What This Family Needs Is Some Christmas Spirit
What This Family Needs is a Gourmet Holiday Cheeseball
- Washing her hair (58%)
- Curling her hair (10.7%)
- Primping her hair (18%)
- Drying her hair (3%)
- Fixing her hair for her goldfish's funeral (4%)
- Cutting her hair (3.3%)
December 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Chapel Hill - Desert Planet
- Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Hanukkah
- My only other gay friend
would be perfect for you!
- Kanye West disowns hip hop, embraces emo
- Tea drinker burns tongue on first sip, ruins whole cup
- New, experimental taste of southern
hospitality squeezes into kitchens
- Unsustainability dorm in the works
- How the Chinese stole Christmas
- Ask Alli
- Old board games promote violence
- Guitar Hero leads to injuries
- BoUNCe explains 2007: A letter from the editor. Listen to me! I'm Clayton!
- B-ball players given new nicknames
- Gardening with Nora again... Today's flower: Wisteria frutescens
- Mitt Romney clones himself
- The "South Campus" Diet
- X-treme Environmentalism
- GOP: Revolution was un-American
- PostSecret
As exams are getting underway / wrapping up / over, depending on how fast the printers got these back to us, we thought you might like a little bit of satire to de-stressify yourselves. In this issue, we've got a report on the merits and drawbacks of the South Campus Diet, the new low-carb, high-tapeworm diet trendy at UNC; an update from everyone's favorite xenophobic, cannabis-cultivating gardener, Nora; a piece on the wondrous applications of a new Southern condiment called Kentucky Jelly; some insight on Kanye West's recent turn toward emo rock; and Alli's thoughts on the most festive combination of sexually transmitted diseases. It's not one to miss.
Seventeen hundred years ago, a bunch of elves needed a frontman for their global gift-certificate pyramid scheme. So they took a disgruntled homeless man known for his injudicious generosity called St. Nicholas off the streets and gave him a bath, magic elfish longevity potion, and some antipsychotics.
But then, in November 2007, they decided they were being treated unfairly. They wanted residuals from gift certificates for new media sales, which they hadn't the legal knowledge or the prescience to provide for in the contract they forced St. Nick to sign circa the year 340. So, the elves went on strike.
Including the one in charge of giving Santa his antipsychotics. Now, seventeen hundred years of latent psychosis is pulsing through every neuron of his brain. He's not the jolly old St. Nick he used to be.
Watch out, little boys and girls. This year, instead of getting lumps of coal, kids on the naughty list get ... killed. Yeah. Little Timmy who snuck ten dollars from him mom's purse to buy some baseball cards? Dead. High School senior who gets too drunk and destroys some property at Ocean Isle? Murdered. House full of stunning sorority who may or may not pay all their bills on time? Slaughtered. Brutally.
This Christmas, be double sure to make the "nice" list. Better Think Twice: coming December 25th to a theater near you.