By Neal Timpe
America’s addiction to plastic trash bags is becoming an economic and environmental disaster of truly biblical proportions. Plastic trees make up more than 96% of the nation’s plastic resources and are being harvested from all over the United States at an alarming rate, leaving little curly plastic shavings everywhere. This epidemic is depleting the plastic tree forests of very small towns all over America.
Plastic trees grow in basements and extra rooms in houses from Miami to Anchorage. They are most commonly associated with model train sets like Brianville in Brian Murphy’s mom’s basement. Murphy spends most of his spare time in his mom’s house tending to the trees and inhabitants of Brianville.
“I’m running out of places to grow my trees,” said Murphy. “Brianville’s soil is just no longer as rich in nitrates and other nutrients that are needed to grow a strong plastic tree for harvest.” Murphy runs a medium-sized lumberyard that harvests all of the trees he grows in Brianville and prepares them for the plasticyard where they will be turned into plastic bags and other everyday plastic products.
Brianville is home to the Brianville General Store, a barbershop, a saloon, a lumberyard, and 3.8 yards of track. There are two rail switches and 13 freight cars that run regularly, servicing Brianville and the town next door, Chesterton.
Chester "Pardner" Goldstein, Murphy's neighbor and business rival, shares Murphy's concerns for the environment and the state of his little trees, but the two disagree on how to fix the problem.
"I just honestly don't think Brianville's gonna last much longer," he said. "There's just not enough room for the both of us in this town." Goldstein then turned on the heel of his cowboy boot and swaggered off to open up Chester's Little Man Saloon for the afternoon, calling over his shoulder, "Remember... it's five o'clock somewhere."
Harvesting plastic trees has lately become a lucrative, competitive business. Murphy and Goldstein have reported that, in their two years harvesting the tiny plants, they have made a combined figure close to $10 million.
“Since the plastic in the trees is melted, I have taken to scooping up the plastic chips that result from cutting the trees down and sending them to the plastic plant,” said Mr. Murphy. “I used to leave them out as fertilizer, but they are too valuable now, I have to use my own compost that I have made from household waste and cat poop.”
Murphy appealed to the Chapel Hill aldermen during their latest meeting, imploring the community at large to help the shortage by growing their own plastic trees and plastic bags in their own homes. "It's real easy," he said. "All you need is plastic tree seeds, Astroturf, and a 60" by 30" table in your mom's basement."