By Andy Jones
Noted campus community Granville Towers has a rich history of setting itself apart from the “regular” university community. Ever since its opening over 35 years ago – conveniently right after the racial integration of on-campus dormitories – “the place to be at UNC” has attracted a special breed of students. And it’s not shy about saying it, either; even the name of the wireless network in Granville South is “UNC-E-Leet.”
However, the elite character of the Granville community is being threatened. It seems as though the Equal Housing Opportunity legislation has complicated the applicant screening process, making it more difficult to weed out those unworthy of the Granville experience. Sophomore Stacy Ballentine had this to say about the situation, “So, I was talking to this new girl on my hall from Charlotte, and it turns out she went to public school. Ew! Oh my God, I can’t believe she would even say that.”
Experiences like this have gotten Granville residents thinking: with members of the lower-middle class and potentially – holy fucking shit – black people living among them, how will everyone else know they are better than them? Visionary freshman Hunter Forrest has come up with a solution: imagine a new criterion. In a mass email to Granville residents, he wrote with inspiring eloquence, “Henceforth, our class will not be defined by race or lineage or socioeconomic background. Starting today, we will distinguish ourselves by flaunting our familiarity with l33t sp33k!”
Students can now be overheard saying things like, “Wh4t’s p0ppin 2n1t3?” “l3ts g3t sh1tfced,” “Wh4t fr4t3rn1ty R U 1n?” and “4ll 0f Ur B4s3 R Bl0ng 2 m3.”
When asked what she thought of the new system, Ms. Ballentine said, “0, 1 t0t4lly h34rt 1t. N0w, U kn0w, 1t d035n’t m4tt3r wh3r3 Ur fr0m 0r h0w mch m0n3y Ur p4r3nt5 m4ke. S4ying 4ll th353 numb3r5 15 k1nd of h4rd, but fk 1t, n0w every1 w1ll kn0 1 4m 3l33t!”