By Andre Fernandes
n a startling moment of selfawareness, Tanisha Williams, also known as Hott_Stuff_69, self-proclaimed “All Dat An’ a Bag O’ Chips!” and allaround loudmouth, realized Sunday evening that she wasn’t as sexy a beast as she had previously assumed.
In reaction to her discovery, Williams announced her withdrawal from the “Pretty Girls Suffering From the Men Shortage!” community on Facebook, saying, “I mean, after 20-odd years of abstinence that was probably more forced than voluntary, I had to take a good hard look at myself––you know, with my good eye. I realized that maybe it was more about me than anything else.”
Williams also reportedly blotted out the sun for a few frightening seconds on Monday when she threw all her XXXL tops with “Hot Hoochie Mama” and “Porn Star” written in glitter out her window on the sixth floor of Hinton-James.
"It was actually pretty cool," said Lisa Waters, a freshman astronomy major on the third floor. "It was just this crazy eclipse, gone as soon as it had come." She added, "It's still sort of creepy, though."
“My turning point came a few days ago," Williams said. "When I went out to the yard and offered a milkshake to all the boys, they vomited on my shoes. I remember thinking, ‘Wow. He ate potato salad. I love potato salad.’ And Jesus, when vomit makes you hungry, maybe it’s time for a change.”
Jellyroll, a nearby rottweiler puppy, expressed his disdain for Williams’ harsh remarks about eating vomit through a Broadway-style song-and-dance before sitting and licking his own scrotum.
Grace Moon, a close friend of Williams', has been supportive throughout the ordeal. “She’s still a beautiful person on the inside,” Windsor said. “She just draws people to herself, you know? There’s always people around her, just hanging out. Just chillin’, you dig?”
Rob Lowell, one such person, replied, “Do I dig? Are you fucking insane?! Have you seen this girl? I don’t have any choice but to hang around! I’m a satellite! I can’t leave the vicinity of her massive body!" He whimpered, "Someone get her on a treadmill. Please?”
Williams, however, refuses to stop wearing her “Carolina Girls, Best in the World” t-shirt, claiming, "Girls uglier than me wear them. Well, maybe not uglier, but I think I remember this one girl sending a baby into cardiac arrest with a game of peek-a-boo. Cardiac arrest! Wait... that makes me hungry too.”
Williams hurriedly ordered a Hardee’s cardiac arrest special triple bacon cheeseburger, washing it down with a grande peach-papaya-chocolate milkshake. Rob Lowell, shaking uncontrollably, was pulled a little closer into her orbit.