By Will Jones and Doug Ornoff
So you’re about to be shot
by an evil Korean dictator
when you realize that your
soul is unclean, you’re a
sinner, and your tainted
spirit might not make it to the afterlife.
Well thankfully, the miracle of Easter
will soon be upon us, and thanks to Jesus,
moral laws and consequences don't apply.
But what exactly is Easter? Where does it
come from? Well, children, just sit back
and let BoUNCe tell you all about it.
Ash Wednesday
Ash Wednesday is the Christian ode to
chimney sweeps. On this day, worshipers
remember… well, really nothing in
particular. The only reason the day exists
is to mark the beginning of Lent, which
marks it as kind of the Ryan Seacrest of
Christian holidays, as useless and nubile
as it is unavoidable and aggravating. The
main part of the celebration involves getting
marked with a cross of ash on the
center of your forehead, making Catholics
look like they just emerged from some
combination of a coal mine and a firstperson-
shooter…Boom! Headshot!
Lent
Lent - a forty-day stretch in which
Christians are supposed to give up what's
most important to them (usually porn) to
show their devotion to God. Think of it
as a sort of temporary stint as a Buddhist
monk. It started off as this whole almsgiving,
do-good thing, but gradually
evolved into an annual delusion that you
can actually survive more than four days
without beer, chocolate, or jacking off.
The concept originated because people
wanted to reenact Jesus’ forty days in
the wilderness being tempted by Satan,
which kind of makes the Christian population
similar to a bunch of idiot rednecks
recreating the Battle of Gettysburg.
Holy Thursday and Good Friday
Contrary to apparent logic, they actually
take place some time after Ash
Wednesday, at the end of Lent, proving
that Christians don’t believe in either
gravity or tight narrative structure. Bad
show, guys. Holy Thursday is the anniversary
of the Last Supper and Christ’s
revelation that one of his followers will
betray him, which is kind of a “Matrix”
ripoff, but we’ll let it slide.
Good Friday, marks the occasion of Jesus’ crucifixion. I'll bring you up to speed: Jesus was just praying in a garden and some Roman soldiers came to take him away. Unfortunately, Jesus wasn't scrappy like all the Jews we know and love today, so he let himself be led off to whatever fate awaited him. Never mind that his fate was scarring agony; Jesus was the optimistic sort and had always wanted to explore his BDSM side.
So, under Mel Gibson's careful direction, Jesus was beaten and then nailed to a big wooden post. Now, as the Son of God, he could've laid the whole army to waste, but he had just seen “Cool Hand Luke” and knew that the non-aggressive route was the way to go. One Roman soldier felt bad and scored him some drugs to help with the pain. So after six or so agonizing hours, Jesus said something, but was so coked out of his mind that no one understood, since at least four educated writers** each took it to mean something totally different.
Now, Jesus’ family owed Cassius the Bookie a lot of money and couldn’t afford a proper burial, so they put him in some cave. This was fairly common, actually, as ancient Israel had an overabundance of caves and only three undertakers.
Easter Sunday
Here’s the finale, what it's all about:
the Resurrection. Three days after his crucifixion
and defying all the Vegas odds,
Jesus rose from the dead. Nevermind
the fact that he’d just emerged from a
cataclysmic battle with Death, Jesus was
feeling a little horny and saddled up to
some hot Jewish hooker and her friends.
Everyone was really excited to see him.
Hey, dead guy, back to life, what’s not
impressive about that? So Jesus spent
some time with the ladies, and then went
to find his followers. They were pretty
depressed, but after seeing him, most
were ecstatic. One follower, Thomas,
wasn’t so sure, but after Jesus showed
him the crucifix wounds and smacked
him around a bit, Thomas came around.
About that time, Jesus started to realize that being the Savior of the world was draining and he needed some R&R in Heaven. So he gathered his followers, told them that he’d return and that, in the meantime, they were to carry on his legacy by forgiving sins, helping the poor, and making sure that that the toothpaste cap is always screwed on tight. A few generations down the line, this message magically became “convert or die,” but hey, you say “tomato,” I say “tomahto.”
The Chocolate and the Bunnies
This series of bizarre events is now
immortalized as Easter. We eat lots of
sugar and hunt for colored eggs so that
we can remember Christ's sacrifice for
us. Non sequitur? I think not. In this way,
Jesus will live on forever inside of us,
giving us all another thinly veiled reason
to stuff our faces with processed sugar.
And God bless you for that, Jesus.
**Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.