By Neal Timpe
Despite recent advances in
dryer technology, a recent
study cites that dryer lint
catchers do little or nothing
to prevent belly
button lint. This may come as a
surprise to many who clean out other
people’s dryer lint in the University’s
dryers.
“It seems like shirts are a neverending source of lint,” said sophomore Kevin Bullocks. This issue is of tremendous interest to Kevin because his belly button is an innie. Not just any innie. Kevin’s belly button is a full six inches from the surface of his stomach.
“Sometimes I get belly button lint,” said Kevin. What he neglected to mention was that his shirts produce 7 pounds of belly button lint a day.
Kevin has installed a micro fiber filter in the dryer in his apartment in order to get out all of the harmful contaminants out of his clothes before they find a home in his belly button. So far, all of his efforts have been unsuccessful.
On the bright side, Kevin is being approached by many kindling companies to produce lint for them full time. Apparently, this lint story started a bonfire for Kevin’s career.
There has been a recent archaeological dig to try and uncover other items deep in his naval. Diggers have so far uncovered a stuffed kitten, a tea cup, the mythical sword Excalibur, enemy artifacts, chemical weapons, old tapes of Buddy Lee commercials, a cactus, window washing fluids, festering boils, the first machete, display room furniture, nihilistic documents, filament, loose change, diet pills, a snifter of brandy, jogging shoes, a tattooed picture of the Thunderdome, tinsel, a star chart, piano keys, actual keys, an umbrella stand, two blowfish, a tophat, punctuality, Carrot Top, pumpernickel bread, a Dutchman, water from the Bayou, filth, umbilical remnants, indigenous peoples, succotash, an open-ended questionnaire, OJ's DNA, spawning salmon, a Terran barracks, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, a cupcake, Swedish mafia drug running supplies, mylar, gestating dinosaur embryos, theologians, Dexy and the Midnight Runners, used needles, plywood, frozen yogurt, joylessness, opium, and a lower intestine.