By Clayton Margeson
Franklin Street nearly missed being set ablaze this past weekend as students were moved to acts of violence while dining on the second floor of McAlister’s Deli. Why? One participant, Greg Barnes, explained that it was because of “the spiteful playing of an insensitive song during our peaceful meeting!”
The Diabetics Club of UNC is, and always has been, a place where diabetic students can come together and air their grievances over inadequate doctor’s notes, a lack of diabetic-accessible restaurants, and the cruel pranks played by non-diabetic friends. Club president Benjamin Scholl defended their actions without hesitation, “We were talking about how Greg got Splenda sprinkled in his Jamba Juice smoothie in Lenoir, when that damn Archies song started playing in the background!”
Greg and the rest of the club believe that this act was not as random as the McAlister’s staff would have diners believe. “We kept sending the food back,” explained Scholl. “I mean, we weren’t exactly happy with the service, but we didn’t think they would go this far. I swear I could taste something funny in my baked potato, too.”
At the playing of the song, the club reacted in what McAllister’s cashier, Joseph Goldstein, described as “a total freak out.” They immediately forgot their food and stood up, but apparently too quickly, and a few immediately fainted. The others hurled food at the staff, smashed furniture, and then took their fight to the streets. If not for the quick response of a Diabetics Control Team, the group would have undoubtedly done more damage than they did. Control Team Commander Albert Reiler described the scene as, “One of the worst cases I’ve ever seen, and I remember the Pancreas for Peace riots of ’74.”
In the end, the group was subdued with specialized insulin tranquilizer darts while trying to unchain the metal chairs in order to hurl them through store windows.
The students are still awaiting trial, and jail has not been too easy on them. While they were unavailable for comment in their jail cells, Reiler reports that they are having trouble adapting to the high fructose corn syrup diet that the state has put them on in an attempt to break their spirits. "I love prison," he stated.