By Will Jones
Tragedy struck the lives of a local couple, Andy Grappurg and Wendy Breckinridge this week when their relationship was ended by a viewing of the movie “Rocky IV.”
“I’ve never felt so betrayed,” said Grappurg, trembling with anger. “My own girlfriend, a Commie-lover.”
The film, released in 1985, has become a cult classic for its depiction of a brave American's heroic struggle to defeat the champion of Soviet communism and anabolic steroid use, all within the barbaric confines of the boxing ring.
“It’s pretty hardcore,” commented local film enthusiast Mason Baker. “Drago's all, 'I must break you,' and Rocky's all 'Go for it.' Fuck yeah!”
The Russian government has publicly stated on a number of occasions that it had nothing to do with the film. Indeed, no high brass in the Soviet government even likes the movie, according to reports. And they certainly did not create it to sow discontent in American homes.
Grappurg and Breckinridge were spending the weekend in for some romantic “couples only” time, when they decided to rent “Rocky IV” on a whim.
“It’s pretty much my favorite movie,” Grappurg said. “She hadn’t seen it, so I decided to educate her.”
That’s when everything went horribly wrong. Breckinridge reports that upon the viewing, she did not share her boyfriend’s love of the film saying it is “totally stupid” and she "didn't give a crap about some stupid fictional boxers.” Shocked and hurt at the maligning of his treasured fantasy, Grappurg angrily kicked Breckinridge out of his apartment.
“He just got really mad for some reason and said that I couldn’t love him without loving 'Rocky IV.' What the fuck is wrong with him, anyway?”
This is the 19th case of domestic disturbance just this year reportedly caused by the film. Police estimate that perhaps twice that many cases go unreported for fear of government reprisal.
Grappurg’s friends were not surprised by the harsh turn of events. “Damn, man. She did not just diss 'Rocky IV.' That bitch is just lucky they weren’t married. He would have cleaned her ass out in the divorce!”
Russian President Vladimir Putin personally visited Grappurg yesterday and expressed his sorrow for the relationship’s end. He also issued a statement confirming that he certainly did not give Grappurg a gift basket of Russian newspapers and surplus military-grade weaponry, no matter what soft American pig-dog newspapers say.
When questioned on the weapons, Grappurg expressed surprise. "Is that what that was? I kinda feel guilty taking that from them now. I mean, Russians don't have that much money as is. I don't need to be taking their stuff from them."
Breckinridge has become increasingly concerned with her now ex-boyfriend's erratic behavior.
"I'm a little scared of him, honestly. I think one day he's just gonna disappear to go grab a tank and drive it down the street blowing the hell out of people."
"Good call!" Grappurg agreed. "That's what Rocky V should have been!"