By Sarah Hodges
According to other years, 2006 is a likeable guy. He’s looking to graduate a lot of smart kids and patent a few more fuel efficient vehicles. Plus, he’s got great washboard abs. Not everyone feels that way though.
“I’m really expecting more out of 2006,” stated 1963, “My decade did the hard part: getting the first people on the moon. How much more work does it take to colonize the place? Some estimates saw us odysseying into space by 2001. Even conservatively speaking, we should have access to flying cars and robotic maids by now. The Jetsons wouldn’t lie to me like that.”
“2006 is up to no good, man.” says 1787, “The Contitution’s all I got. It’s all anyone remembers of me and now he’s tryin’ to change it up, make it his own. Way to kick a man when he’s down.”
Some years think they are being too hard on him, though. “He’s young.” responded 1923, “They’re talking about flying cars when all they had was a cubic smokestack on wheels. If they want to give someone a hard time it should be the 1970s. I mean, The Village People? Come on!”
Peanut Butter has affair; Jelly sues
By Paul Preston
The relationship of America’s favorite sweetheart couple, Peanut Butter and Jelly, has been on the rocks since this Thursday, when our sources reported that long-time partner Peanut Butter fell into a sordid affair with Honey. The accused Peanut Butter assured BoUNCe reporters that the steamy tryst reported to have happened while on sabbatical in Florida was just a one-time thing.
Jelly has not been nearly so forgiving. The fruit-based cuckold wrathfully told BoUNCe reporters, “I gave that damn tasteless paste the best years of my career and this is the thanks I get?! P.B. goes and fools around with some underage honey? I can’t believe that whore.” Jelly remarked on intentions to sue for custody of the couple’s property, two slices of bread, in the coming legal sortie.
Peanut Butter was hardly apologetic. According to our journalists, Peanut Butter publicly stated, “What the hell do you expect?! That rat scum Jelly hardly ever even touches me anymore, and don’t think that sticky gook is such a saint- I’ve seen the pictures of that pervert with Nutella! …And at least the honey listens to me!” Added Peanut Butter angrily as it got onto a disposable plastic knife departing to an unknown location, “You think this was bad?! I’m free! I’ll put Ketchup to shame with all the dirty thrills I have in store! Bananas? Pickles?! Maybe a steamy threesome with some marshmallows and syrup, bitches, YEAH!”
Jelly declined to comment, but Ketchup was reported to have responded, “What the hell is that whore’s problem? So I go great with everything, there’s no need to hit so low… jeez.”
Sand listed as alternative fuel
By Doug Ornoff
U.S. authorities were initially thrilled last week when a petroleum laboratory announced that sand could be used as an energy source alternative to oil. The government's optimism was quickly soured, however, once they realized that the Middle East controls the world's largest supply of that resource, too.
"Talk about your buzz kills," said Dexter Kilmes, head of the research and development team behind the discovery. "There was some concern that this would close down all the world's beaches, but then someone mentioned the Arabian deserts, and then it dawned upon us just what we had done."
Yorktown Labs, a think tank sponsored by the Exxon Corporation, published results in the Journal of Cool Explosive Shit that revealed how the silica found in sand could be used as an energy source. The lab's scientists also reported that they had constructed a sand-compatible four stroke engine using an old T-bird and three used coffee filters.
"Those Yankee Allied dogs have really screwed the pooch this time," remarked an Iranian official. "Clearly, Allah smiles upon us. It is His will that we continue our sand enrichment processes."
New course, BSHT 101, will offered in fall
By Andy Jones