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The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007

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Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas

  1. Munchkins (60.3%)
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The editor-in-chief takes long road to power

Sam Morgan

Our new Editor-in- Chief, Clayon Margeson, has a dark and oftentimes politically incorrect past that few people realize. This, ladies and gentlemen, is his story:

So yeah, I was chasing after some squirrels the other day in front of the library. I think the jar of Vasaline I was carrying slowed me down. Dang I hate when those squirrels go after my nuts! I mean seriously, I was enjoying my peanuts. I bet you thought I was talking about my testicles didn’t you?

Anyway, after about 69 hours of chasing this particular rat with a fuzzy tail, he led me straight to this airplane that was about to load up.

“Holy guacamole,” I thought.

So I went onboard this plane and who do you know was on the front row?

Chuck Norris!

He roundhouse kicked me back to last Wednesday, so I had to re-live the week again.

After getting back on the plane, I distracted Chuck by asking him to count to infinity for a third time. That gave me a good thirty minutes to get by his super big puffs of chest hair.

I took a seat in the back, right where your mom likes it! Burn! And let me just say that your mom is one classy lady. She should stay classy just like San Diego.

I had to go to the bathroom so I walked back to the urinal. I knocked twice.

‘Who is there?’ said the person on the toliet.

‘Banana,’ I said, which is my online name when I talk to people in the Senate.

‘Banana who?’ said the mysertious voice behind the water closet door.

‘Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!’ I shouted . I realized that trying to joke and confuse the person who was in control of the very room I was trying to gain admittance to was not the best idea. This is why I am not allowed in Student Congress as well. So I returned to my seat.

We started to take off when the pilot’s raspy and drunken voice came over the speakers.

“You are all going to hell because you dress provocatively and all you guys are homosexuals! I’ve read the Bible a million times and I know what I’m talking about! Just look it up under Leviticus 12:5. The word of God is right there and it says: I’m Ron Burgundy?”

It was Gary the Pit Preacher! When did he learn to fly and who messed with the teleprompter? And just to prove that he was the messenger of God, he unleashed the 4th plague of Egypt on the plane. Snakes.

Snakes on a plane! That would be a great title for a movie. I managed to escape all the snakes by grabbing the nearest parachute I could. When I opened it up, I realized that it wasn’t made of tightly woven cloth that could guide me back down to the ground, it was made of Michael Jackson’s old noses!

Luckily I landed in a pile of dead babies. Actually they might have been alive when I landed, but they were dead after I left, which was just in time because I think I saw Lorraine Bobbit coming at my junk with a kitchen knife! She was running so fast she was sweating like Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Meeting.

On my way back I happened to spot some Mormons trying to convert me into their wacky religion. I told them I was a Scientologist and I didn’t want to hear their baloney.

I tried in vain to tell them that Kazakhstan is the most glorious nation on this Earth of a planet but they wouldn’t listen to me. They were too busy looking at your mom who hangs like the sleeve of a wizard. Double Burn! Oh man, I’m on a roll.

And that, dear readers, is how Clayton became our new leader. God help us.

God help us all.