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New Editor-in-Chief already an epic asshole

By N. Fennell, S. Hodges, L. Waldron

It's that time of year again: time for midterms, spring break, and, most importantly, the announcement of BoUNCe Magazine’s new Editorin- Chief. After reviewing seven and a half applications and enduring several weeks of intense questioning… er… interviewing, the judges made their decision. Then, after their first choice turned down the offer, they looked to Clayton Margeson.

However, many of them felt that the unnaturally nasally boom of his voice would scare away not only potential staff members, but also basketball players, faculty, Gary the Pit Preacher and everybody within five miles of campus.

“Almost immediately after the transfer of power, Clayton’s attitude changed,” commented recently retired Editor-in-Chief Doug Ornoff. “At least I waited for Jake Goldman to leave the state before I began forcibly enacting my vision. Clayton, however, is already firing the staff I just hired.”

The recently fired staff of BoUNCe had been meeting secretly to attempt to put together their next issue. However, because Clayton has taken control of access to each staff member’s email address and voice mail inbox, the meeting was thwarted soon after it had begun. All of the staff members were hired again, just to be re-fired moments later.

“Clayton was already kind of a jerk before he got the job,” claims staff member Benjamin Justice Pulley. “He was always sneaking out of basketball games early, but at least he was nice about it. He would make his phone ring and come up with some lame excuse about his dog dying and we would all laugh. Now he just deletes his extra ticket and uses the second seat for his huge ego.” Clayton’s ego replied that Ben is just jealous and that his time should be better spent answering Clayton’s multi-line telephone and updating his daily itineraries.

When asked about the accusations, Mr. Margeson responded with more contempt than usual. “As the new Editor- in-Chief, it is my duty to be here for my staff. I’ve even created a new Editor- in-Chief screen name for people to reach me with Editor-in-Chiefly questions, although I’m usually away doing Editor-in-Chief stuff.” In actuality, Clayton’s Editor-in-Chief screenname, “Betr_thn_u_bc_i_edit,” is specially set up so that it no longer receives incoming messages, making instant messaging impossible. “I really need one hundred percent concentration while performing my Editor-in-Chief duties, I cannot be instant messaging.” Clayton remarked with a laugh.

Following the interview, Mr. Margeson dissolved the staff. The publication’s name has been changed to Clayton Quarterly and he is personally handling submissions by blocking all past writers from his inbox.