The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007
- Returning student affects annoying, fake accent
- Duke campus besieged by confused Vikings
- God of the sea seeks revenge at Neptune's loss
- That "golden delicious" apple was surprisingly undelicious
Please, Sir, may I have some more?
I think I might just sell you into slavery
Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas
- Munchkins (60.3%)
- A mountain (4%)
- A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
- A beach (3%)
- An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
- Culture (10.7%)
March 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Bounce buries a
bodytime capsule
- 10 things we will never joke about again
- The editor-in-chief takes long road to power
- Super-sultry storytime suggests a subject for sensuous students
- WoW spring break madness 2007
- UNC Hospitals to initiate new system for kidney distribution
- Rhodes scholar to undo Rhodes' legacy
- Dumbass kid ruins fun for everybody
- Ask Alli
- "Lost" writers lost
- CAP Act leads to little pizza parties
- Man claims victory over Solitaire
- Student absorbs culture, bird flu while abroad
- New Editor-in-Chief already an epic asshole
- A linguistic phenomenon
- Allred claims throne
- Fanfiction not "fantastic," say lawyers
- Spoiler alert! HP7 leaked to BoUNCe
- Spring Break in Chapel Hill
In a press release issued Tuesday, lawyers and several of the individuals accused of “obscene doings” by “slash” fan fiction publicly denounced the charges against their clients.
“These charges are simply absurd,” said Reuben Horowitz-Goldstein, attorney for seventh-year Hogwarts student Harry Potter. “My client is a fine upstanding young wizard, and a contribution to the quality of this institution. There is absolutely no way my client engaged in a bubble-bath tryst with Mr. Ronald “Ron” Weasley and Mr. Neville Longbottom in the thirdfloor Prefects’ bathroom,” continued Mr. Horowitz, referring to an incident described in “Goblet of Desire” by nightwitch_88489.
The allegations came at a difficult time for Hogwarts, a school already overwhelmed with the untimely death of headmaster Albus Dumbledore, the uprising of the Death Eaters, and final exams.
“It’s frustrating, what with everything else that’s happened recently,” said Mr. Weasley, Ron’s father. “Especially since a person would have to be a real wanker to believe any of this stuff.”
“I mean, I don’t even like Draco Malfoy,” continued Mr. Weasley, referring to the seventh-year Slytherin. “So why the hell would I try and seduce him with the Nine Forbidden Spells of Erotic Attachment while wearing black leather robes and—“
“I’m sorry, I really can’t continue reading this,” Mr. Weasley said, laying aside the document. “My point is that pottergirl_4383 obviously is making false charges.”
Even the usually-incorruptible Hogwarts faculty has not emerged unscathed from the scandal.
“It’s true that I have been spending a great deal of attention on Miss Hermione Granger these past few months,” commented Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. “However, I have simply been mentoring her on her many post-graduate options and career choices. The notion of us doing anything else is... Well, tasteless, to say the least.”
Mr. Potter was unavailable for comment, as was Mr. Malfoy. Dementora_1989 put two and two together and promptly wrote a story titled “Scarlet and Silver,” which involved every single solitary broomstick euphemism ever conceived