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Spoiler alert! HP7 leaked to BoUNCe

By Sam Morgan

Thanks to our friend Janitor Roberts at Scholastics Books, BoUNCe was able to get its hands on a copy of the seventh and final Harry Potter novel. We read the entire thing and trust us; it wasn’t worth the money the publishers are asking for it.

The book opens with a dedication to Taco Bell and NBC, who sponsored her during her writing process. In the first chapter, Harry is enjoying a Carrrrrrrne Asada Grilled Stuffed Burrito while watching “The Office” in the Dursleys’ living room. Needless to say, he spends the rest of the chapter exploring the ramifications of said burrito in the Muggles’ bathroom.

It seems that her writing style has waned in the writing of this last book too. The eloquent and flowing prose that defined the first six books is noticeably lacking in the final installment of the series. A brief excerpt to demonstrate my point:

“The dementors made me feel cold,” Harry said. “Cold as ice. So cold. Brrrr.” Harry Potter and the Magical Shrooms Just then, the really evil Lord Voldemort suddenly appeared in the fireplace! “LOL,” said Voldie. “I’ll get you my pretty, & you’re little dog 2!”

This was all a big turn-on for Hermione and she began unbuttoning her robes. Ron’s eyes got as big as Galleons. As you can see, this book contains more adult themes than the other six. Also included in the book is Harry’s coming of age. He does what any newly legal young man would do: he goes out and buys cheap veela porn. So he explores the ramifications of those actions too. Thoroughly.

Perhaps the biggest mystery surrounding the final book was the initials R.A.B., which were first seen in the sixth book. Fanfiction authors and other dorks on the internet pointed to Sirius’ brother Regulus as the likely culprit, and they were right. However, the most shocking aspect comes in Rowling’s description of the new character:

All of the sudden Regulus appeared! Harry was surprised at how remarkably similar Regulus looked like the popular American comic actor Owen Wilson. “You know, you could just do a simple spell to take care of that nose, you know?” Harry asked him. “Yeah I know, but the bitches - I mean witches - love it, man,” Regulus said in a wispy voice through his long blonde curls.

In a related note, Wilson has signed on for the movie version of the final book.

And sorry to spoil it, but Ron and Hermione don’t end up together. They die. So does Hagrid. And Harry dies too. They all die.

So now that you know all the good stuff about the final book, you won’t need to go wait in line for the midnight release on July 21st. I mean, I’ll only be there to support local business, but you don’t need to come. Seriously, don’t come.