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UNC Hospitals to initiate new system for kidney distribution

By Gannon Hubbard

After excitedly wringing their hands for a week, UNC Hospitals held a press conference yesterday regarding its new kidney distribution system that will be put into effect at the beginning of the next fiscal year. Worldrenowned surgeon Dr. Gregory Whettson unveiled the plan, based on a lottery system, to mixed applause.

“We were really just tired of the old one,” he said. “Waiting in line is no fun. We felt we had to spice it up a bit, both for the patients and for ourselves.”

With a flourish, he pulled a large rope dangling to his left. The curtain behind him dropped, accompanied by a smattering of confetti and a few noisemakers. Three spotlights fell on a board, covered with charts and graphs and flanked by showgirls. “My good reporters – behold!” cried the eccentric doctor as he brandished his pointing instrument. It caressed the board’s soft outer layer of pre-lined photo quality poster board. “This magnificent beast will revolutionize the field of organ transplants!

“In the old system, it was but a matter of time. To receive a kidney, a patient’s name would have to wait on this cold, unfeeling sheet of paper for several months.” He held up a sheet of computer paper with several names listed on it. “We found that some names were incapable of participating in this system. How is a name like Khongordzol Greenwell- Bjarðisdóttir supposed to fit in the same space as Joe Hardy? It can’t, and we feel that this malicious discrimination against long names and people who don’t like waiting must be remedied. We have thus instituted a lottery system for donated kidneys. Now a brand new patient with renal failure can carry the same hope as one who’s been on dialysis for a decade: one-in-3500! That’s better than Powerball! Astounding!” Dr. Whettson closed the press conference by taking a firm grasp on the silky board and eloping backstage with it, perhaps too eagerly.

The winner of the first kidney drawing has already been announced: Tamara Nelson of Cherry Point, North Carolina. “Well, I guess I don’t really need a kidney that much,” she admitted, “but I just thought it’d be cool to win one because then I have an extra in case something goes bad. Plus, I’ve always liked winning things.” Tamara has also entered the drawings for each subsequent donor kidney. “I’m really shooting for four, total. I think then I’ll be pretty safe from any kidney problems.”

Those unlucky enough to not receive a kidney this time we’re notified via email with the following: “Unfortunately, you HAVE NOT been randomly selected in the UNC-Hospital lottery to receive a kidney. You will automatically be entered into the second lottery to take place sometime in the future.”

The hospital’s administration admitted that its new program is modeled off of the Carolina Athletic Association’s ticket distribution system. “We took a good, long look at their lottery model, and we really felt it was a good system and could work for us,” says Charles Sanders, Vice Chair of UNC Health Care. “Kidneys are just a trial run. Once we iron out all the kinks, we can go to the real moneymaker: painkiller scripts.”