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Rhodes scholar to undo Rhodes’ legacy

By Andy Jones

UNC’s resident Rhodes Scholar, Ben Lundin, announced Thursday that he intends to use his coursework at Oxford in conflict mediation to bring peace to the areas of Western and Central Africa engaged in conflict funded by blood diamonds.

Rhodes Scholar Ben Lundin This provoked outcry in the international community because, like Ben’s scholarship, these wars are part of the legacy of the great businessman and insane megalomaniac Cecil Rhodes. The former is a result of provisions in his will which called for the establishment of a secret society devoted to bringing England’s former colonies and the rest of the planet under English rule (which eventually turned into a two to three year scholarship to Oxford University to indoctrinate foreigners). The latter are a result of his companies, under the umbrella DeBeers Group, having manufactured a demand for diamonds by explaining to the public they possess magical powers that make women fall in love with you and, using their disproportionate leverage to control the market, setting the stage for rebel factions to use procurement of the gems as both a motivation to fight and a means to fund their violence.

“Originally, I was just going to focus on religious conflict,” said Lundin. “But that shit is complicated. This, on the other hand, could be fixed fairly easily. A simple, widespread information campaign could do the trick. Nobody wants to be party to rape, plunder, and amputation. If nothing else, it’s a nice side-project for my spare time.”