The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007
- Returning student affects annoying, fake accent
- Duke campus besieged by confused Vikings
- God of the sea seeks revenge at Neptune's loss
- That "golden delicious" apple was surprisingly undelicious
Please, Sir, may I have some more?
I think I might just sell you into slavery
Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas
- Munchkins (60.3%)
- A mountain (4%)
- A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
- A beach (3%)
- An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
- Culture (10.7%)
March 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Bounce buries a
bodytime capsule
- 10 things we will never joke about again
- The editor-in-chief takes long road to power
- Super-sultry storytime suggests a subject for sensuous students
- WoW spring break madness 2007
- UNC Hospitals to initiate new system for kidney distribution
- Rhodes scholar to undo Rhodes' legacy
- Dumbass kid ruins fun for everybody
- Ask Alli
- "Lost" writers lost
- CAP Act leads to little pizza parties
- Man claims victory over Solitaire
- Student absorbs culture, bird flu while abroad
- New Editor-in-Chief already an epic asshole
- A linguistic phenomenon
- Allred claims throne
- Fanfiction not "fantastic," say lawyers
- Spoiler alert! HP7 leaked to BoUNCe
- Spring Break in Chapel Hill
A few months after the euphoria of Christmas and, to a lesser extent, Hanukah has ended, warranties are being cashed in and those without them are being discarded, just waiting for a hobo to claim it as his.
This year, one specific toy is being taken back and not returned. The Little Outdoorsman Bow Hunting set is being recalled due to its potentially dangerous nature. This all started when 8 year-old Jimmy Francisco shot himself through the eye with the metal tipped bolt.
Distributed by Tyco Toys, CEO Albert Maynard released a statement saying, “We here at Tyco are deeply, profoundly, utterly, dubiously saddened by the death of one of our consumers. His bravery to test the efficiency of our product will be remembered, especially when we design the next model.” Other Tyco models to be recalled in the past have included the Little Biker Hell’s Angel Starter Kit and Little Firefighter Control Burn case.
Other children who whined and screamed and pouted for this set are now whining and screaming and pouting that their toy is now taken away from them. Little Tommy Burke lamented his feelings, “That doo-doo head! I’m glad he died. He ruined the fun for the rest of us. My teacher taught me how to share, and he didn’t share.”
Leaders of the National Rifle Association and American Civil Liberties Union are taking legal action to try and stop this injustice. “These children have the same right to bare arms as adults. Kids are people too,” stated an NRA lawyer.
Investigators for the FBI are still looking into the circumstances surrounding the death. Initial findings suggest that a lack of 24-hours of a Christmas Story in the household lead to the delinquent behavior.