Hot off the Press:

The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007

• Returning student affects annoying, fake accent
• Duke campus besieged by confused Vikings
• God of the sea seeks revenge at Neptune's loss
• That "golden delicious" apple was surprisingly undelicious

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Please, Sir, may I have some more?

I think I might just sell you into slavery

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Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas

1. Munchkins (60.3%)
2. A mountain (4%)
3. A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
4. A beach (3%)
5. An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
6. Culture (10.7%)

March 2007 Articles

• Center Spread: Bounce buries a body time capsule
  - BoUNCe Staff
• 10 things we will never joke about again
  - BoUNCe Staff
• The editor-in-chief takes long road to power
  - Sam Morgan
• Super-sultry storytime suggests a subject for sensuous students
  - Sarah Wolper
• WoW spring break madness 2007
  - Jack Garvey
• UNC Hospitals to initiate new system for kidney distribution
  - Gannon Hubbard
• Rhodes scholar to undo Rhodes' legacy
  - Andy Jones
• Dumbass kid ruins fun for everybody
  - Ben Pulley
• Ask Alli
  - Alli Cooke
• "Lost" writers lost
  - Sarah Wolper
• CAP Act leads to little pizza parties
  - Jack Garvey
• Man claims victory over Solitaire
  - Sam Morgan
• Student absorbs culture, bird flu while abroad
  - Sarah Wolper
  
• New Editor-in-Chief already an epic asshole
  - N. Fennell, S. Hodges, L. Waldron
  
• A linguistic phenomenon
  - Paul Preston
  
• Allred claims throne
  - Chris Faulkenberry
  
• Fanfiction not "fantastic," say lawyers
  - Sarah Wolper
  
• Spoiler alert! HP7 leaked to BoUNCe
  - Sam Morgan
  
• Spring Break in Chapel Hill
  - BoUNCe Staff
  

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Dear Alli,

I really like this guy and he says he likes me too but I think he is still hooking up with his ex-girlfriend. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Laura in Ehringhaus

Dear Laura,

Become obsessive. Guys love this. Make sure to call him a minimum of 36 times a day. Always ask him where he is, what he's doing, and who he's with. If he's with Her, act crazy jealous. It'll let him know you really care.

Go to his house at 3 a.m. and knock on his bedroom window. If he comes to the window looking sleepy and confused, then you know he was in bed sleeping an not with Her.

When he's not home, I suggest breaking into his house and sniffing his dirty laundry. This won't actually accomplish anything, but it's keeping in character with being obsessive.

If this still doesn't work, I have one word for you: THREESOME

XOXOXOXOXO (And good luck!)