The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007
- Returning student affects annoying, fake accent
- Duke campus besieged by confused Vikings
- God of the sea seeks revenge at Neptune's loss
- That "golden delicious" apple was surprisingly undelicious
Please, Sir, may I have some more?
I think I might just sell you into slavery
Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas
- Munchkins (60.3%)
- A mountain (4%)
- A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
- A beach (3%)
- An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
- Culture (10.7%)
March 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Bounce buries a
bodytime capsule
- 10 things we will never joke about again
- The editor-in-chief takes long road to power
- Super-sultry storytime suggests a subject for sensuous students
- WoW spring break madness 2007
- UNC Hospitals to initiate new system for kidney distribution
- Rhodes scholar to undo Rhodes' legacy
- Dumbass kid ruins fun for everybody
- Ask Alli
- "Lost" writers lost
- CAP Act leads to little pizza parties
- Man claims victory over Solitaire
- Student absorbs culture, bird flu while abroad
- New Editor-in-Chief already an epic asshole
- A linguistic phenomenon
- Allred claims throne
- Fanfiction not "fantastic," say lawyers
- Spoiler alert! HP7 leaked to BoUNCe
- Spring Break in Chapel Hill
In Monday’s press conference, a group of writers for the hit ABC television show “Lost” admitted that, after nearly three seasons, they no longer have any idea “what in fuck’s sake” is happening on the show anymore, nor do they especially care.
“No. Fucking. Clue,” elaborated head writer Jeremy Mott. “I mean, I can only assume that we had some coherent plot when we first began the show, but no more. We can’t even remember what happened in last week’s episode, much less devise some clever way to tie up all the loose ends.
“It’s getting to the point where we’re thinking of doing the ‘and-he-woke-upand- it-was-all-a-dream’ ending. I’m not proud to admit it, but we’re desperate.”
The news comes as a surprise to fans of the series, who are eagerly awaiting answers to some of the show’s more mysterious elements, including, among other things, the shadowy Dharma Initiative, the Others, and also the maneating polar bears. Others speculate as to whether the popular show is an allegory for Christianity or modern politics. Mott responded to these theories without divulging secrets.
“Please. It’s a show about some pretty people and a fat guy. On a tropical island. And shit happens to them. Okay? I mean, at this point, we’re really just as clueless as you are. For all I know, the show’s a metaphor for cheese. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Where’s my bong? Who took my bong?”
“Oh, and the polar bears? Bad idea. We have no reasonable explanation for why there are polar bears on a tropical island. We screwed up on that one.”
In contrast to the befuddled “Lost” writers, the writers of ABC’s other hit “Grey’s Anatomy,” commented that viewers this week can expect with reasonable confidence: “more hot tension, and the biggest challenge yet for the doctors at Seattle Grace. It’s the one EVERYONE will be talking about this season. Don’t miss it!”