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CAP Act leads to little pizza parties

By Jack Garvey

Student Congress recently passed the Certainty of Available Pizza, or CAP Act. The CAP Act was introduced by Speaker Luke Farley and was aimed at cutting large appropriations of student fees in favor of distributing smaller sums to campus organizations. Finance Committee chairman Val Tenyotkin believes this will only afford student groups the opportunity to host many little pizza parties.

“I didn’t think there would be this much controversy over free food,” said one Congress member in support of the CAP Act. Those opposing the measure believe the bill inhibits hosting grandiose events where students could enjoy pizza on gold rimmed plates while drinking crystal flutes of champagne and listening to Fergie perform live in Memorial Hall. “It isn’t fair to smaller student groups that rely on student fees to hold expensive events where half a dozen students might attend,” argued one opponent of the bill.

Students reacted apathetically to the proposed measure, despite the imminence of many little pizza parties. Most students say they enjoy pizza but don’t know much about Student Congress, nor care what it does with student fees. “All I know is they take way too damn much of my money!” asserted sophomore Jenny Smith as she boarded the Chapel Hill bus for free on her way to the movie in the Union.

Some claim that the CAP Act is political maneuvering on the Speaker’s part. The Finance Committee has enforced an invisible spending cap to promote many little pizza parties for years without the long arm of Congress trying to interfere. During debate on the Student Congress floor, both sides bickered back and forth, using political tactics to table the bill. In fact, hurdles were put into place to make debate even more difficult. To be recognized, a Congress member must flagrantly wave his hands in the air and shoot an emergency flare to attract the attention of the Speaker. There was also repeated mentioning of Germaine, whom everyone assumes to be the pizza delivery person who will have to stock every little pizza party.

The meeting came to an end when Speaker Luke Farley became agitated and threatened to fire the lasers if the bill wasn’t brought to a vote. After the session, Congress ordered some pokey sticks to savor the greasy taste of victory