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The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007

newsbriefs
point/counterpoint
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Please, Sir, may I have some more?
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I think I might just sell you into slavery
Pie Chart
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Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas

  1. Munchkins (60.3%)
  2. A mountain (4%)
  3. A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
  4. A beach (3%)
  5. An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
  6. Culture (10.7%)


Newsbriefs
Returning student affects annoying, fake accent

Will Niver

Junior Lewis Schlesser spent last fall studying in Edinburgh, Scotland. When he came back to Chapel Hill, however, something had changed. Friends of Schlesser report that he adopted a fake accent that totally annoys them.

“Dude, you were only gone three months,” his roommate pointed out. “You don’t even sound Scottish!”

“Put anotha shrimp on tha barbie?” asked Schlesser, much to the annoyance of all. Schlesser insists that the accent is genuine and that his friends are just angry since he is now the one getting all the ladies.

Scottish-born exchange student Ed Thomas, is skeptical. “Honestly, he sounds like a wanker. No one speaks that way. Ever.”

For the time being, Schlesser’s ploy may be working. “On the P2P, girls are all like, ‘where are you from? Are you British?’ Sweet.” Freshman Allie Jenkins overheard Schlesser on the way to Cosmic Cantina and was ‘way into’ his dialect. “Accents are hot,” she confirmed.

Schlesser’s friends still aren’t impressed, to which he responded, “Oye, crikey, they’re just a bunch of jealous dingo lickers, know what I mean, mate?”

Duke campus besieged by confused Vikings

Tommy Allen

In consequence of an architectural misunderstanding, Duke was besieged and eventually conquered this week by a group of disoriented Norsemen. Having been cut off from civilization for the past thousand years in Vinland, they were naturally relieved when, stumbling onto the Duke campus, they discovered what appeared to be an early English settlement.

To celebrate their relief, they began to murder and pillage.Duke students were Confused Viking forced back into dorms and classrooms, boarding up the doors and windows, and getting a chance to use those really cool battlements they have. However, despite a high battlement-to-student ratio, the lack of manly warriors on campus ensured victory for the Viking horde, and the campus surrendered to them only days later.

The newly appointed Viking leaders have announced plans for the school involving large quantities of sour milk and beer, as well as animals roasting on spits, so for most Duke students, it will be business as usual.

The class emphasis will shift to a heavier emphasis on the looting, pillaging, and dragon-boat sailing academia. Some have expressed concern that the changes may damage Duke’s sterling academic record, but recanted after threats to “drink mead from their cloven skulls” were very nearly fulfilled.

On the positive side, Duke’s prowess in American football is expected to increase dramatically in a short period of time.

God of the sea seeks revenge at Neptune’s loss

Jack Garvey

UNC panics as the Roman god of the sea, Neptune, vows to bring Chapel Hill to the icy depths of the Atlantic.

King Neptune took the election loss of student body presidential candidate Nick Neptune as a personal insult. “The town of Chapel Hill will die,” said King Neptune. Oceanographers reported an unforeseen tsunami that engulfed campus last Thursday.

King Neptune usurped the student body president elect, Eve Carson, by impaling her with his trident.

Neptune commented, “First, scholars took away the god of the underworld’s planet; Pluto let them get by easy. I will not stand by and accept this type of marginalization.”

King Neptune mandated his platform points, including the revival of the swim test. “You’re all going to need to know how to out-swim my sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their heads.”

That “golden delicious” apple was surprisingly undelicious

Sarah Hodges

The following is an excerpt from the diary of Sarah Hodges, recently diagnosed with a rare sight disorder, not glaucoma, but the other one, due to a lack of basic nutrients found in most fruits. This has been cited as a possible reason for her unhealthy diet.

That apple I just ate was surprisingly undelicious, as it turns out.

If it had been any other variety of apple, I could let it go. McIntosh? Too high-tech. Granny Smith? Reminds me of your run-ofthe- mill wrinkly invalid. But Golden Delicious! This fruit is the color of champions. It promises to be a scrumptious snack, right there in the name. I even picked one with a sticker on it so I could be sure it wasn’t a Crispin or Gravenstein hiding among those of a more prestigious palatableness.

I struggled through my ninety-eight cent peanut butter and jelly sandwich knowing that this shiny treat was waiting patiently to wash away that salmonella with its delectable juiciness.

I picked the sticky residue off of its epidermis with my freshly manicured nails. I buffed that Malus domestica on the sleeve of my Neiman Marcus blazer until the sun shone off of it like a beacon to the wayward sailor.

Oh, the endless sacrifices I made for you!

Then came that one inevitable, but catastrophic bite. How easily you surrendered the grainy mush that was your bitter flesh!

It pains me to think of how you deceived me. Never again will I trust the maliciously misleading names given by the perverse produce industry.

And next time I’m hungry? I’ll grab a Snickers. Because over-processing means I get sugary goodness and a satisfying crunchevery time.