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The Signs of the Apocalypse Issue
March 2007

newsbriefs
point/counterpoint
point
Please, Sir, may I have some more?
counter
I think I might just sell you into slavery
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Reasons for believing we are, in fact, no longer in Kansas

  1. Munchkins (60.3%)
  2. A mountain (4%)
  3. A sign indicating otherwise (18%)
  4. A beach (3%)
  5. An old Kucinich sticker (5%)
  6. Culture (10.7%)


point
Please, Sir, may I have some more?

By Oliver Twist

I’m awful hungry, and this porridge, though quite delicious, I assure you, is a tad bit...just, rather, it is a bit watered down and somewhat... unfulfilling. To speak the full truth, Sir, I am actually quite starving still, despite the... generous...amount...you gave me. Yes, sir, that is a very nice watch you own, is that...yes, is that real gold? Magnificent. Simply magnificent. But back to the matter at hand, Sir, you see, I am about four minutes away from...from just collapsing of malnourishment and I...yes, it is a nice watch, Sir, I do like it very much. But yes, I do not think...that is, I do not believe that I am being too very greedy in requesting just a... just a bit more food to...to keep myself alive, you see? What say you? Please, Sir, may I have some more?

counter
I think I might just sell you into slavery

By Mr. Bumble

MOOOOOORE?! Why you greedy little son of a whore (no seriously, she was a whore. I only took you in because she agreed to have sex with me in exchange for your safe room and board), I should rip off your very hide this instant for such an expression of crass insolence. I would stuff things into your anus for fun, but I do not want to sully my beautiful new gold watch. Speaking of which, step back a few feet, I don’t want your dirty poverty rubbing off onto my SOLID GOLD WATCH. No, I overreacted, I’m sorry. A much more reasonable punishment would be to sell you into slavery/for spare parts. Come on, we’re going to Chinatown. Get your nice hat.