By Clayton Margeson
Albert Fonse’s seemingly harmless obsession went over the edge this week as he climbed to the top of Fetzer Gym with the idea of reclaiming lost honor after being dumped by local girl Jenny Ravin. Preliminary reports state that he intended to do this by attempting the ancient ritualistic suicide once performed by feudal samurai known as “Seppuku.” He mistakenly brought with him a book full of the Japanese mind puzzles known as “Sudoku.”
Albert Fonse was rushed to the hospital at 4:00 AM on Saturday night. Fonse’s recent split from Miss Ravin and his fascination with Japan were the most probable causes of his breakdown.
His mother, Kendra Fonse, said, “He enjoys anime a lot, but he even had trouble with that. One time I caught him watching Princess Mononoke while wearing a monocle and looking really confused. Another time he tried really hard to learn to use chopsticks, but things got too literal when I found him actually taking an axe to trees in the backyard. Then, he took a self-defense class for a weekend, but he quit when he realized it was Kung Fu and it’s actually Chinese.”
After over three hours of attempting to kill himself by filling out the 500 different puzzles in the book, Fonse became angry and alleviated his frustration by yelling at early morning passersby. While someone phoned the police, one witness yelled that Albert was doing it wrong, and should stab himself in the stomach. Albert then attempted to impale himself with the corner of the book, but could not break the skin. Fonse miraculously escaped not only with his life, say hospital officials, but miraculously without even a single papercut.
The physician treating Fonse, Dr. David Nesol, said, “He’s a good kid, he just needs some help. The University is going to help fund his counseling, and I’m hoping to confiscate his Japanese- English pocket dictionary... not that it did him any good anyway.”
Expert on Japanese culture, Professor Trisha Takanawa of Hamlin University in St. Paul, Minnesota, said that “it’s impossible to say at this point what exactly Mr. Fonse was thinking when he made this mistake.” She went on to say, “While both Sudoku and seppuku have their origins in Japan, how he could have mixed up ‘the digits must remain single’ with ‘stomach slicing’ is beyond me.”
This curious story makes a little more sense to Fonse’s best friend, Brian Yashamoto, a junior public policy major. “Honestly? I think it was all those hours playing Mortal Kombat and Soul Calibur and watching The Last Samurai until his eyes bled,” Yashamoto said. “Albert’s been obsessed with all things Japanese since high school. In fact, I’m not entirely sure we're friends for any other reason besides the fact that my mom is Japanese. Hmm.”
Fonse was reached for comment on Tuesday and said, “I’ve been treated really well. I’ve been visited by all my friends and family and they all brought California rolls - my favorite food - from Harris Teeter. All in all, I’ve talked to a lot of people and I think I’ve started to realize what a horrible mistake I’ve made. Next time, I’m bringing a sword.”