By Bill Lane
With exams and term papers just around the corner, we at BoUNCe would like to take a little break and offer something to take you back to the days of yesteryear. Back to naptime, milk and cookies, and missing recess because you put gum in Hannah Easterling’s hair because she spilled milk in my shoe on purpose and Mrs. Johnston was being a bitch. So reminisce in those kindergarten years once again with BoUNCe’s version of a post-modern kindergarten final exam in the year 2006:
1. Which of the following is NOT associated
with homosexuality:
a. Banana Republic sales clerks
b. Male hair stylists
c. Jake Gyllenhaal
d. Barney…Flintstone
2. Which of the following foreign language
words is NOT a fruit:
a. La banana
b. La pastèque
c. Pochwa
d. Die Endlösung der Judenfrage
3. Which of the following people was
NOT Jewish:
a. Sammy Davis Jr.
b. Marilyn Monroe
c. Frankenstein’s Monster
d. Kirk Douglas
4. Which of the following groups do you
fall into:
a. People who masturbate
b. People who lie
5. “There is no doubt that Larry is a
genuine ___________: he excels at telling
stories that fascinate his listeners.”
a. braggart
b. dilettante
c. pilferer
d. prevaricator
e. raconteur
And since we’re a nice, ethnically-androgynous magazine, we’ll give you the answers.
1. a. “Banana Republic does not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, social class, or sexual orientation.” It is merely a coincidence that all of their employees are chocolate thieves. If you selected the chain-smoking caveman, Barney Rubble- Flintstone, life partner of Fred Flintstone, nice try! However, we would remind you of Fruity Pebbles.
2. c. “Pochwa” is actually Polish for “Vagina.” No kidding. And in case you’re wondering, it turns out that, for a brief stint in Nazi Germany, apples were actually referred to as “Extermination of the Jews.”
3. c. This was an easy one. Everyone knows that Frankenstein was Jewish (hello? STEIN?) but not many people know that Judaism can only be passed through the mother. Frankenstein had no mother, so his helmet actually wears a parka.
4. Look deep within yourself to find the answer to this question.
5. e. “Raconteur” is the correct answer because a raconteur is one who tells anecdotes in a skillful or amusing way. A “prevaricator” is similarly a liar, but not an amusing one. Unless one is pointed out that the word sounds suspiciously like the words premature, velociraptor, and ejaculator smushed together. Then, yes. He is amusing, indeed.