By Paul Preston
SATURDAY, Lower
Quad. Following the
trend of traffic-slowing,
insipid vigils, an
organization of pro-sex
students set up a rally to protest the lack
of action they were getting on campus.
Officially beginning at 11:00 to inconvenience
the early-lunch crowd, the rally
brought to light the long-ignored issue
of how freaking hard it is to get laid if
you aren’t a basketball player or Jake
Goldman.
The demonstration included a wall of colorful posters boasting such inspired, rational slogans as “How can you tell a horny dude that you aren’t in the mood? ” (Mother Teresa), “Any nation that allows its hot girls to sleep alone is a nation of total cock-teases” (Martin Luther King, Jr.), and “This Boner isn’t gonna take care of itself” (Mark Twain) as examples of the long-standing arguments in support of getting some. The compelling climax of the vigil was made when pro-sex students covered the entire quad with 40,000 kosher pickles, each one representing a failure to get laid in America the previous night. Rally co-sponsor Kevin DeLantine explained: “we were going to use roses, but we figured this would make even less sense! Plus I think someone else already did that.”
The rally gained momentum throughout the day, stirring up a firestorm of heated debate on the questionable ethics of not putting out. The movement received unexpected support from a group of pro-lifers, who demystified their stance on the issue by exclaiming, “First women are having abortions, and now they aren’t even getting pregnant at all?! This is an atrocity!”
At the height of the rally, the group had accumulated 3,129 males and one female who thought it was a vigil for Darfur. The organization was disbanded at 1:43, when a bunch of fat chicks showed up and tried to rape the guys.