By Chris Jochem
A recent study published in the American Journal of Public Health states that children between the age of two months and 14 years and live in suburban areas are four times more likely to be beaten by their parents in a Wal-Mart than at homes. The escalating violence appears to be positively correlated to increasing mullet lengths in parents, though other studies are investigating possible relationships to increasing gas prices and global warming.
“These statistics are staggering. I just don’t understand how parents can beat their children with those ‘always low prices’ and all the smiley faces everywhere,” said children’s-rights advocate Victoria Garmiche. “I once saw a child getting beat from the pharmacy counter all the way to the tire change center.”
Antonio Garcia, who was leaving the Supercenter in Hillsboro when he heard about the study, said, “I tell my kids, ‘Stop arguing with your sister or I’m taking you both to Wal-Mart.’ They know better than to back-talk me or I’ll take them to sporting goods and give ‘em one good, and I’ll get my low-price shopping done while I’m at it.”
Long-time Wal-Mart greeter Walter Garrison says that he has seen the beatings escalate dramatically in recent years. “Used to be I’d see one, maybe two smacks a day - really more of a love tap. Nowadays I can’t turn around without seeing some kid getting a smackdown,” he said, adding, “You can always tell who’s bringing a hellion in for a whooping - no smiley sticker at the door, no cart, not even a ‘howdy’, they just take ‘em straight back to home furnishings and let loose.”
George Huffman, a bystander at the press release on Monday, said, “Yeah, I see the beatings. You can’t go into a Wal- Mart without hearing the screams and the raving of souls. I’d do something about it myself, but, well... You’ve seen the average Wal-Mart shopper, right? There are just too many rednecks and too many concealed weapons.”
Wal-Mart declined to comment on the study pending an internal investigation into the matter; however, they did release a statement saying, “It’s sad that violence is so prevalent in our society. We at Wal-Mart respect your rights to discipline your children as you see fit, but in doing our part to promote a safer society, we will be discontinuing the sale of all lacrosse and ping-pong equipment.”