By Will Jones and Doug Ornoff
In our modern era of heartwarming national solidarity, it is hard to imagine that at one time the United States was divided amongst itself. But it is true. From 1861 to 1865, the country was torn by Civil War (this was back when we were still calling wars “wars,” mind you). North against South, Union against Confederacy, Arrogant Prick against Idiot Slavedriver. Our BoUNCe historians will now take you back to revisit these turbulent days and discover the truth behind the American Civil War.
Slavery and Other Bonus Features
Even now, almost 150 years later,
historians are still debating the causes
of the war. Was it to free the slaves?
Economic sanctions? Cultural stresses?
Of course, the debate is really silly.
Americans went to war for the same
reason they always did: for the nookie.
Union soldiers wanted to ‘invade’ the
south because of their crazy jungle fever.
Similarly, Confederate citizens headed to
Gettysburg in search of chicks that didn’t
moan “Cotton Gin” during sexual intercourse.
And off they went.
Plans to invade Russia...in the winter
Now, no one had actually thought
that things would get so bad as war. Like
two brain-damaged poker players, the
North and South just kept on bluffing
each other, until France decided to fuck
things up and call the bets. The North
had money, manpower, and factories that
made shoes, what did it matter that
their entire military leadership were loyal
Southerners? The South had outstanding
copious amounts of cotton and tobacco,
which they figured would be invaluable
in armed conflict, and went into the war
confident that their trusty slaves would
stand by their masters on the battlefield.
Is it any wonder that the result was the
greatest fuck-up in American history?
Gettysburg: Kind of a Buzzkill
For the first few years of the war,
the North had been getting their collective
asses handed to them, despite
their superior numbers and resources.
The Union found itself under threat of
invasion, and not just from job-stealing
migrant workers, but from southerners.
Damn. Robert E. Lee of northern
Virginia marched his creatively-named
Army of Northern Virginia across the border,
eventually ending up in Gettysburg,
Pennsylvania (God knows why) facing
the also creatively-named Union Army
of the Potomac. The three-day battle
that ensued ended with a decisive victory
for the Union (even though they
were hideously outnumbered), but was
quickly deemed “shitty” by both sides.
The valuable lessons taught by that battle
still ring true, such as “don’t march an
unarmored regiment across an open field
against a huge line of gunmen fortified on
higher ground while being outnumbered
by six thousand men.” Someone in the
Confederate army must have missed a
day or two of school.
“Booth was a Fag,” says Oswald
Great as everything was going, there
were a few people who weren’t quite
overjoyed by the tied of blood washing
over the nation. One of these men was
John Wilkes Booth. Another was (then
President) Abraham Lincoln. The two
had met several times over the years,
usually at the theatre (Booth was an
actor and Lincoln liked dark, quiet public
places where fellatio had an element
of danger). One night they were feeling
rather stressed about the nation's
conflict and hopped on down to Ford’s
Theatre for a sneak peak of the play “Our
American Cousin” (little-known prequel
to “The Girl Next Door”). While there,
Booth remembered that he was a Godfearing,
slave-loving southerner and blew
Lincoln’s head off. Witnesses offered
a collective “Well, shit,” and watched
as Booth snapped his leg making an illconceived
balcony-to-stage leap and ran
(hobbled?) off into the night. Epilogue:
Booth died like a little bitch.
Don’t Stop Be-Lee-ving
The Union and Confederacy treated
their military leadership quite differently.
Robert E. Lee was pretty much
top dog of the South’s armies from the
beginning, while President Lincoln went
through Union generals like Henry VIII
went through wives (Winfield Scott:
Divorced. George McClellen: Beheaded.
Henry Halleck: Sent on tour with Sarah
McLauchlan ... you get the idea). Finally,
though, they ended up with Ulysses S.
Grant. The Civil War is personified
basically by a personal conflict between
these two men. Grant vs. Lee. One was
an abrasive drunk sickened by bloodshed,
the other was an aristocratic dandy
who had a hard time forming a rational
thought. Can you guess which is which?
Those Pesky Slave Folk
No discussion of the Civil War would
be complete without mentioning slavery.
For the entire course of the war (which
was fought over slavery, FYI), the big
question on the minds of the Southerners
was this: “What’s so wrong with slavery?”
Granted, it forced black people
into working long hours in deplorable
conditions without pay for an economic
system from which they did not benefit
and which demeaned them as lazy, uneducated
apes. But in defense of the South,
damn if they didn't make some soft
cotton shirts. For their part, the slaves
were very happy under the heel of the
plantation owners. Seriously, when was
the last time that you called somebody
“Master” while they were whipping you
and you didn’t like it? We rest our case.
Therefore, the Civil War was pointless
and all those thousands of people died
for nothing. And if you don’t believe us,
then surely you must be a slave-owner.