By Neal Timpe
By all accounts, Doug Ornoff is really good at some stuff. He’s good at looking good, especially when he puts gel in his hair. He’s kinda good at talking in front of a group and also lighting his farts. But, he is just not fun to watch play sports.
Mr. Ornoff has actually been named an Academic All-American, president of the math club at his high school, and is on the University of North Carolina robotics team. The robotics team has yielded him very good eye to servo coordination. However, he still sucks at football.
Reached for comment, Mr. Ornoff said that he was drawn to indoor entertainment shortly after his first skinned knee, sustained at a very young age.
“We were playing musical chairs outside in the street, and I was walking briskly to the empty chair when I tripped on a branch and fell,” Mr. Ornoff said.
His knee was injured so badly that it required two band-aids and a kiss. However, his mother did not think it serious enough to buy Neosporin. Johnson’s and Johnson’s First Aid Cream was an adequate substitute for this mild to serious scrape Ornoff had suffered.
After crying for close to thirty six hours straight, Mr. Ornoff and his five empty tissue boxes emerged from under his blankey. It was time to go to school. He was about to be late for his 8th grade science class with Mrs. Catarski.
Mr. Ornoff proudly wears shirts with adjectives describing his personality like “Dorkazoid,” “Geeky,” and “Nerdle,” Mr. Ornoff will never achieve the respect he so richly deserves for his automatic Dungeons and Dragons Dice Roller and Picker Upper, an invention he dreamed up after rolling a chaotic neutral dwarf warrior who was so weak he could barely wield a mace, let alone a +1 glaive.