By Neal Timpe
Worried officials held a press conference today to offer their generous compensation for women willing to test the new herpes vaccine. The $400 payout is the most out of any of the scientific studies at UNC or any other college.
E-mails have been sent out once a month for three years over the student listserv trying to find people willing to include themselves in the study. So far, the results have sucked royally.
“Think of the benefits,” said Jan Oglethorpe. “There is only a 60% chance that you will actually be infected by the herpes virus. Now, this vaccine is not a license to have unprotected sex. But when you are having unprotected sex with this vaccine you don’t have to worry about getting the herpes virus at all!”
“You will only have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases like Gonorrhea, HIV, Genital Warts, Chlamydia, Crabs, Hepatitis, Chancroid, Scabies, Syphilis, HPV, NGU, and PID. What a deal!”
Women’s groups on campus have continuously questioned why no male students are being asked to take the risk of being vaccinated. The Department of Epidemiology says that due to their promiscuous nature, nearly 99% of males already have herpes. Thus, the vaccine would have no effect on any of them.