By Andy Jones
The celebration of Lent -- a tradition Christians have where they deny themselves something they are accustomed to in order to prove to God that they ain’t no softies - - has largely been regarded by those who practice it as an inconvenience.
However, last month, in a bold move, UNC Junior Rob Clites was able to circumvent this seemingly logical implication. For Lent, he simply gave up Christ. He told reporters, “Hey, all it says is you have to give up something. It never says it has to be something fun.” When reached for comment, God confirmed Clites’s revelation: “Yep. He’s found a loophole sure enough. His logic’s airtight.”
Thus, rather than making his life at least somewhat more difficult, his sacrifice made it easier. “Oh yeah,” he said, “this is way better – I don’t have to go to church; I don’t have to always be thinking about this kind of rewards/punishment system intended to manipulate the way I live and eliminating any possibility of genuine altruism in favor of a hedonistic, self-interested conception of morality; I don’t have to talk to homeless people; um, I can do drugs and have orgies and get into all kinds of debauchery that I've always wanted to try out for myself…
Oh yeah, and this whole Christianity without Christ business basically makes me Jewish; which has all kinds of benefits. Now, I have almost complete control over the media, I have a sensibility geared toward humor writing and a knack for its presentation, and I get to eat matzo! Bring on the Briss, baby!”
When asked what inspired him to devise this brilliant solution to appease both his religious obligations and his faineancy, he replied, “You know, I figured if you can commemorate Jesus’s forty day fast in the wilderness and the Jews’ wandering forty years in the desert by giving up chocolate, you can pretty much do anything, no matter how trivial.”