By Will Jones
Singer Britney Spears was relocated to the desert
palace of Jabba the Hutt
on the Outer Rim planet
of Tatooine last week
after being encased in carbonite along
with her newborn baby, in a move that the
public is calling “fucking brilliant.”
The opening came when Spears commissioned a sculpture of herself giving birth to her first child, who was delievered in late March.
“I just wanted something to commemorate the beauty of childbirth,” Spears had said in a press statement. “Something really special.”
“Video tapes are special!” rebutted sensible area man Brian DuGalle. “Video tapes commemorate births! Who gets a bronze fucking sculpture of themselves giving birth? Especially on a bear skin rug! Especially doggie-style! Is that even physically possible? Who fucking does that?”
“Who fucking indeed,” mused sculptor Daniel Edwards.
Seizing upon Britney’s complete lack of rational thought and spurred by repeated public outcries for her death, Edwards convinced Spears of a new and interesting way to sculpt her in “sharp relief.”
“I had her eat Krispy Kreme for 6 days to get back to her ‘fighting weight,’ then got her into position in the carbon-freeze chamber. After that it was simply a matter of flicking the switch to freeze her solid forever.”
Edwards admits that the toughest part was shoving the newborn baby back into Spears’ vagina immediately before the freezing to complete the tableux. “It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it. I hope the other baby doesn't mind.”
Spears can be viewed by the public free of charge during business hours. Visitors are cautioned to watch out for the rancor.
Spears is scheduled to go on a quick tour of Coruscant before being submitted to the Galactic Art Festival. During this illustrious event, the emperor will either give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to Edwards' creativity and have his work judged in a contest that will determine the best artist in the galaxy. "Competition is tough," Edwards said. "Still, Palpatine absolutely loved her early work, so maybe he'll be down with it."
The competition that Edwards alludes to is the work of Howard Falson, Jedi Knight, who took Edwards' idea and expanded upon it, luring two victims into the carbonite and then positioning them using the Force.
"I think it's really a good statement on society," Falson said. "It's Christina Aguilera wearing a strap-on dildo and using it to ass-rape Jar Jar Binx."