By Neal Timpe
Local Minor League catcher Rod Harris, who bats .178, is in agony this afternoon after a miscommunication with his pitcher. This is not the first time this has happened to the catcher, who supports only one testicle. But this time is different. However, it is not any less painful when the pitcher hits you in the nuts on purpose.
“I missed the signal,” said pitcher Brad Hoover. “And, he peed in my locker before the game. I threw a triple screwball spitball slider and he didn’t even know where it was going. He must have realized it at some point just before it was too late. His cup had no chance. God, I’m good.”
“God, it hurts,” said catcher Rod Harris when reached for comment at the hospital. “I only peed in his locker because he schtooped my girlfriend. Now I’ll be lucky if I can have kids.”
Harris’s doctors are not in agreement as to whether he will fully recover. “He will be able to play baseball, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Steve Munoz. “The question is whether he will be able to swing the stick, if you know what I mean.”
Construction Project To Dig To China
By Neal Timpe
Beginning at 7:30 every morning outside of Hamilton Hall on Emerson Drive, construction begins on one of the most ambitions and dangerous projects ever seen in the history of the University of North Carolina. New technology developed at the department of physics has enabled construction workers, closely monitored by scientists, to dig through the earth’s core out to the other side of the earth, breaking through the earth in Zhangzhou, China.
The project is slated to last six years, which is also the average time it takes for an undergraduate to complete a course of study. Construction is set to begin at 7:30 every morning, including Saturdays.
“This is going to make waking up hungover on Saturday morning a real joy, said Brent Spooner, resident of the Old Campus Upper Quad. “I mean, honestly, can’t they start any later on Saturday? China isn’t going anywhere.”
Spooner isn’t the only student angered by the construction project. Junior Jacob Silverman remarked, “The next time I hear a jack hammer that early in the morning, I’m totally going to ram it up someone’s ass! All the sawing and the digging and the rearranging pipes. Seriously, if you stuck twenty sticks of dynamite in the hole, it wouldn’t be as loud. Unbelievable.”
Aaron Fennell Controlled By The Vatican
By Neal Timpe
The BoUNCe staff held a secret meeting in the basement of Venable Hall Tuesday. The subject was the unwieldy influence the Vatican seems to hold over BoUNCe's managing editor, Aaron Fennell. In the weeks following his coronation as Managing Editor in the Great Hall, Fennell has begun a reign of terror unparalleled in BoUNCe leadership since the 14th century. Staff members have been disappearing one by one in recent weeks. Many of them have been found outside the Newman center drawn and quartered.
Fennell ordered all submitters and staff members to be baptized. His totalitarian grip has not stopped at mandating religious choice. He has begun to issue guidelines on wardrobe as well. Fennell outlawed sleeveless tops and cod pieces. Cod pieces were extremely popular with the BoUNCe staff males before his conservative ideals were thrust upon them.
The Gospel of Benedict Arnold Found
By Andre Fernandes
“It is very easy to point one’s finger at Benedict Arnold,” says Professor Mark Kendle from the twice-misleading Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. “In fact, it’s very easy to do a number of things with one’s fingers and Benedict Arnold. But these papers make for very hard evidence that Benedict Arnold was in fact obeying orders given by George Washington himself and dutifully serving his country when he tried to surrender the West Point fort to the British.”
Conservatives have expressed skepticism as to the veracity of the findings. “First the Gospel of Judas and now Benedict Arnold?!” commented one Baptist preacher. “Honestly, what’s next? Brutus and Cassius were really having a three-way with Caesar when he died?”
A National Geographic special on Benedict Arnold is already in the works, claiming that “if they are to be believed, the papers, hidden for hundreds of years tell a different story. One that could challenge our deepest beliefs. This account turns the story of [America’s] betrayal on its head. Here the traitor becomes a hero.” The narrator’s voice, sexy and alluring, commands attention and lends gravitas to the story, easily convincing the listener of anything said.
Shawn Hardasst, professional cynic, scoffed in an aggravating manner, “I think it’s ex-tre-mely convenient that such ‘discoveries,’” making air quotes with his fingers and barely avoiding getting punched in the face, “are made in the wake of the new American Revolution craze. Every time a new Tom Hanks movie or something comes out, it’s the same story. Remember Forrest Gump and all that debate about Martin Luther not really being retarded? Everyone knows that that’s just a load of crap.”
Also controversial in the writings of Benedict Arnold is the assertion that some have made for decades, that George Washington was in fact a black man. However, researchers were able to use the writings to answer a long-pondered question: Betsy Ross really was a hottie.