Kicking Puppies Is So Much Fun!
By Howard Tellman

So I just discovered something awesome: puppies are really fun to kick around! I mean, I always thought they were cute and stuff, but damn if it isn't fun to punt those little bastards around.

I think the best thing about it is the way their bones crunch as my cleats slam into their precious little ribcages. Sometimes, if you get it just right, you won't knock the wind out of them and they yelp as they fly. You can get a really neat pitiful Doppler effect going. Science in action!

My buddy Mark and I went down to the pound and picked up a couple dozen puppies super cheap. We went for a good mix: beagles, Chihuahuas for distance, and even a St. Bernard for power contests. It made for an afternoon of good wholesome puppy-kicking American fun. The whole field was one big symphony of whimpers, all across a backdrop of laughter and drunken cursing.

If you're having trajectory problems, try giving your puppy a good boot to the head to daze it so it won't run around so much. Just a tip. Man, I love kicking puppies!

Wow, That's An Excellent Point
By Robert Warner

That is a fantastic point. Puppy kicking! It's the wave of the future! I'm so glad enlightened people like Howard Tellman are looking outside the box to find new and exciting ways to make our world a better place. Perhaps he should be considered for sainthood. At the very least given the Nobel Prize. Is there a Nobel Prize for puppy kicking? There fucking should be.

For a little while I thought that using puppies as soccer balls was cruel and inhumane. But now I realize that that is an irrational position. What can I say? Howard makes a very convincing argument. 37 years as a lawyer and I can't find a single flaw in it. That's some damn fine logic.

There's no downside to puppy soccer. You get a few hours of bonding with your friends and you get to rid the world of puppies. And Lord knows we need fewer puppies running around. Anyone who says otherwise is surely either a Communist or into bestiality. And that's just sick, people. Sick! It's like that old Chinese proverb, "Better to crush and mangle your pet than have sex with it."