The Better Think Twice Issue
December 2007
- Escalator TV huge hit with hungry students
- Anti-immigration politician admits love of Mexican food
- Congress asks America to just take a nap
- The new face (meat) of Carolina Dining Services
What This Family Needs Is Some Christmas Spirit
What This Family Needs is a Gourmet Holiday Cheeseball
- Washing her hair (58%)
- Curling her hair (10.7%)
- Primping her hair (18%)
- Drying her hair (3%)
- Fixing her hair for her goldfish's funeral (4%)
- Cutting her hair (3.3%)
December 2007 Articles
- Center Spread: Chapel Hill - Desert Planet
- Top Ten Ways to Celebrate Hanukkah
- My only other gay friend
would be perfect for you!
- Kanye West disowns hip hop, embraces emo
- Tea drinker burns tongue on first sip, ruins whole cup
- New, experimental taste of southern
hospitality squeezes into kitchens
- Unsustainability dorm in the works
- How the Chinese stole Christmas
- Ask Alli
- Old board games promote violence
- Guitar Hero leads to injuries
- BoUNCe explains 2007: A letter from the editor. Listen to me! I'm Clayton!
- B-ball players given new nicknames
- Gardening with Nora again... Today's flower: Wisteria frutescens
- Mitt Romney clones himself
- The "South Campus" Diet
- X-treme Environmentalism
- GOP: Revolution was un-American
- PostSecret
The Carolina Initiative on Fiscal Responsibility recently invested in a flat-screen television to display to students its findings regarding reasonable uses of funds made available by tuition increases. The Initiative decided to install the TV directly above the down escalator in Lenoir Dining Hall, so everyone with a meal plan will have to look at it approximately every day.
Unfortunately, the Initiative ran out of money before it could prepare slides with which to present its findings, so all that has been displayed on the television to date has been an ad for UNC Sports Marketing, a screen saver, or the reassuring words "PC Not Found."
Presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo (R-CO) reluctantly admitted the irony of enjoying burritos from a stand several blocks from his Washington, D.C. office.
"For all my talk about building a fence to keep ‘those people' out, I've got to hand it to them, they wrap a mean tortilla," the senator said.
Political opponents were quick to seize the chance to call Tancredo out on a double- standard, calling Tancredo's "hopelessly unrealistic and utterly racist" immigration strategies into question.
"Tancredo talks out of both sides of his mouth," said Democratic strategist Dan Boeckner. "Out of one side, he caters to xenophobic white people, but from the other side he's too busy chewing on a delicious quesadilla to say anything mean."
Tancredo has also come under fire for hiring undocumented workers to renovate his basement. "Yeah," he said, "you got me there."
The United States Congress unanimously and quickly passed new legislation today asking American citizens to just take a nap for a couple of hours.
"We've just had a rough day is all, and we would really appreciate it if America would just go lie down in its room and take a nap," said Jonathan Bildew (R-AR), a co-author of the bill. "You don't even have to sleep the whole time, just go be quiet in your room and let Congress have some alone time to relax."
"It's been tough with the war, poverty, the writer's strike, and the '08 presidential election and everything. Congress just needs an hour or two of peace and quiet to let the ol' batteries recharge," said tired Congresswoman Elaine Glinowitz (D-FL).
President Bush is expected to sign the bill into law when his hangover subsides.
"If America wants us to, we will read it a story so it will go to sleep," Bildew added. "Yes, we'll read you ‘Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie' again. Please, just don't be cranky again. Congress has already taken enough aspirin today."
When asked what Congress will do with its quiet time, Glinowitz said members "might take a nap, watch a movie, or read one of Congress's adult magazines it keeps under the mattress, away from America. We don't really know. We're just ready for some peace and quiet."
Carolina Dining Services announced a new deal with Smithfield Foods, Inc. that would make "the finest in institutional dining this side of Sing-Sing" just a little bit finer. New additions to the festive décor in Lenoir and Rams Head in January will include placards guaranteeing that all meat products are made from 100% Prime-Cut Face Shavings, reflecting the improvement in quality.
"Our mission at Carolina Dining Services is to provide the best experience possible for our customers," said CDS director Ira Simon. "Better quality in our meat selection is just one facet of this."
Student reaction was generally positive. "Personally, I've always been a bit wary of what the egg noodle gravy was made of," says Taylor Birch, sophomore. "But now that I'll know that it's 100% whole cheek meat, I think I'll be dining just a little bit easier next semester."
New menu items made possible by the 3-year contract include "Carolina Pork Extraocular Muscles Barbecue," "Hawaiian Fish Cheek Salad," and "Migrant Worker Finger Bacon Roll-ups."
These improvements will be be phased in over a 74 year period.