By John Musci
Crisis was averted when Orange County public health officials quarantined freshman Alex Rausch before he exited Lenoir Dining Hall.
"We're talking about the possibility of an outbreak of epidemic proportions," Orange County health director Dr.. Rosemary L. Summers said, "All because he wouldn't take five seconds to use the foam dispenser, even if only to smear the soap on his friend's face. Those dispensers are clearly there for a reason."
Summers is referring to the sudsing stations placed throughout the dining halls as a strategic public relations move in response to last year's "Lenoirovirus," though some assert that the plan is actually to improve the overall sanitation of those facilities.
The Orange County Hazmat team barreled through the door at the bottom of Lenoir and tackled Rausch to the ground. The team set up a makeshift delousing station and proceeded to shave and powder Rausch. They then took his clothes upstairs to be burned in the pizza ovens while he was hosed down in the men's room. Onlookers were bewildered.
Michael Hirsch said, "They came all up in here like gangbusters. I was all like, 'Craig, hide the chronic!'"
"I thought the whole germy-handed thing was just another gimmick, like the premium entrées at Ram's Head or that Darfur awareness group. Now I know that this is serious," Valerie Mahan said.
Rausch is currently on lockdown in Ehringhaus. He will have to wait a month before he is allowed to spend any prolonged amount of time in a public space, in accordance with Orange County health ordinances. In the meantime, Rausch is permitted to leave his dorm room only on the condition that he wear a large, globe-shaped apparatus that allows him to breathe without contaminating the surrounding area.
"Yeah, I get the 'bubble boy' thing a lot," Rausch said, "But when I go to the Y after school, the kids call me 'Mr.. Bubble' and play four square with me. Seeing their smiling faces makes it all worth it."
In the meantime, public health officials are encouraging students, staff, and faculty to exsercise caution when engaging in high risk activities, including heavy petting, paddycake, and wet willying.