By Will Jones
It's getting on towards the holiday season now, and you're likely to use your breaks from school to go see your loved ones, your family, mafia Don, bookie, etc. That means travel, and travel means complications and an awful lot of work. Don't worry, though. Just for you, BoUNCe has a whole bunch of nifty little travel tips. Happy trails!
- Never pick up a hitchhiker who has a hook for a hand and only speaks in halting Yiddish, no matter how good his blowjobs are.
- Never hesitate to bum rides off of people. Anyone you know with a car is fair game. If they don't want to give you a ride, feel free to skullfuck them until they change their mind. Remember, you're not asking. You're telling.
- When traveling by train if you come across a damsel in distress tied to the tracks, don't untie her. That's the mountie's job.
- If traveling with a fat friend don't suggest that you stop at every weigh station on your way. They get the joke.
- Always remember the hitchiker's motto: "Dead men don't tell tales."
- Before you travel, consult the John Hughes feature film "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." That's some funny shit right there.
- Avoid flying on Donkey Punch Express, Air Jihad, and Trinitrotoluene Airlines.
- If you're going to San Francisco, don't wear flowers in your hair. That's just what they want you to do.
- Never siphon gas with your sphincter.
- Grappling hooks are a great form of travel for urban areas but are less useful on interstates.
- When traveling with small children, always remember that airlines don't charge for the overhead storage bins.
- The actual toilet in the airplane bathroom is really more of a suggestion than a requirement.
- If you ford the river, your oxen will die. DON'T TRY IT.
- When attempting to sneak black market orphans onto a plane, don't try to bribe the security guard with black tar heroin. Most of them only take cash.
- Please remember, the oxygen mask is not a bong.
- Before hand-to-hand combat on the top of a speeding train, take time to stretch. A pulled hamstring can really ruin your Thanksgiving.
- When joining the Mile High Club, go for the gold and do it in the cockpit. Your partner will appreciate your sense of adventure, and the pilots could use the entertainment.
- In case of emergency, keep your English to Jive dictionary on hand.
- If you get sleepy while driving, speed up as much as you can. You need to get to where you're going fast before you fall asleep.
- When hijacking a commuter plane, don't give any of your hostages pretzels or peanuts. They're less likely to rebel on a empty stomach.
- Don't pee in your gas tank by accident. It'll sneak up on you.
- Calling yourself "The Road Warrior" causes more problems than it solves.
- Any cheesy road games or childish songs used to pass the time are grounds for instant death.
- When giving the finger, don't feel limted to other drivers who are driving poorly. Flipping off random buses full of schoolchildren is equally legitimate, and much more fun.
