By Will Jones
Curtis Russell, a man from the Chapel Hill area, announced today his intentions to rock out hard this weekend, much to the surprise of his associates.
"Curtis isn't much of a partier," said best friend Brad Roberts. "He spends most weekends alone playing video games and drinking Bailey's Irish Cream."
Russell hopes to break his trend of boring solitude with a monster bash in which he plans to "smack some bitches up and roll in The Blue Jello," say witnesses, confused as to Russell's possible meaning.
"I don't think he even knows how to party," one witness said. "He was talking about all these really ridiculous things, like 'riding the snake,' and 'dancing the Foxtrot 'til the cock crows thrice.' Is he just really out of practice with having fun, or what?"
Russell is unconcerned with the general apprehension of his ability to rock out.
"Shit yeah, ladies," he commented, proudly hefting two large bottles of lite mayonnaise.
Local bar owners are worried about Russell's declaration, but hopeful.
"I don't know how this guy is going to react to actual booze and music," said Thirsty Rhino owner Ken Holcombe. "Not to mention real, cool people. But who knows, maybe he'll be one of those people who gets so wasted that he starts buying drinks for the entire room. That's the kind of boost in sales I could really deal with."