By The Staff Bullpen
Everybody wants to know what the future has in store for them. No matter how sure of your destiny you might be, some worries just enter the mind unbidden. Will I be glorified by immortal fame? Or perhaps gain vast riches beyond the wildest wet dreams of software companies? Should I murder her boyfriend this year, or next year? These questions plague our thoughts and place unneccessary burdens on our spirits.
BoUNCe cares, so we prepared our best and our brightest to go out into the field to "clear up the future a bit." Soon, our agents were ready. Armed to the teeth and prepared for anything, they marched out into the wide world. We got the call two hours later: success! We had finally discovered the secrets of life, time and spandex technology. So take a deep breath now to prepare for this moment, the peak, the very climax of your existence. Behold, the future is now, at your very fingertips. Join us as we unravel the mysteries of fate.
ARIES: This week would be a good time to end risky business ventures, like the prostitution ring you've been running in your mom's basement. It would also be wise to have your pancreas checked out. Preferably today. Writing a will would be a good idea too. The alignment of the stars suggests that making BoUNCe the primary benefactor would lead to good luck and rich friends.
TAURUS: Your excessive pride will be your downfall this week when your roommate steals your significant other, your wallet and your goldfish Billy. This will be offset by the Red Spot Effect caused by Jupiter's northern tilt, so you'll be getting the goldfish back. He'll just be dead. On another positive note, your bookie will call off the goon squad just after they beat the living shit out of your twin brother, thinking it was you.
GEMINI: The position of Uranus suggests that eating at Ram's Head on Wednesday could have dire consequences involving your lower intestines. Be sure to invest in mops and paper towels, as the explosions may be unpredictable and deadly. You may also need to look into a new circle of friends.
CANCER: It would be best not to study in Davis for your econ exam, unless you enjoy falling out of 8th-story windows. Keep a large bedsheet in your backpack just in case. Don't eat foods with primary colors in them until the Milky Way settles down a bit more.
LEO: You will discover an unexpected windfall this week. Unfortunately, it will be the Clap. Make use of your great courage to come out immediately to your friends with this strange new turn in your lifestyle. Mars commands it.
VIRGO: Fighting dinosaurs is a bad idea for you right now. The third-quarter moon points to your stock portfolio taking a large tyrannosaur-related plunge. Much of your time will be spent laughing at a Gemini friend and feeling up his girlfriend while he is stuck on the toilet.
LIBRA: You will be smited by an angry God this Tuesday for making fun of the Pit Preacher. However, you will be resurrected on Thursday by Satan to serve as a member of his undead horde, so you still need to study for the calc exam. An Aquarius would be helpful in pleasing your new dark master.
SCORPIO: The woman you love thinks that you are her Philosophy TA. The waning phase of Pluto dictates that taking advantage of this misapprehension would be in your favor. However, your brother's best friend has transformed into an immortal demon and also has eyes for your lady love. Be sure to grow a goatee.
SAGITTARIUS: Your virginity and credit card are both linked to Neptune, which is on the decline. You are in for a tabasco sauce-related boon, however. If your roommate is a Taurus, feel free to steal a bunch of his shit. You will get away with it. Also, if you take the pictures hidden under your roommate's hamper, the stars predict additional opportunities for profit.
CAPRICORN: The important document you're searching for is lining the cat's litter box. Your plan today to give the Clap to a Leo will be a smashing success. The arrival of a comet in the sky suggests that you should drink monkey urine at your celebratory party. Steal some money from a friend to pay for it, but be sure to offer to share the 'happy juice' with them.
AQUARIUS: The interaction between Jupiter and Saturn suggests that you may be made a virgin sacrifice this week. If you wish to prevent this, promiscuous sex is a good idea. Be sure to avoid Cancers this week, as plummeting bodies can really put a damper on your future well-being.
PISCES: Dressing up as Marty McFly at your brother's party will not get you a date. Not even from the girl dressed as Queen Amidala. Stick to masturbation until Mars resumes retrograde motion, but do this with caution. The current flares of solar wind suggest that you will be caught by your roommate sometime over the weekend. On camera.
And there you have it, time unraveled and just waiting for you to take advantage of the thousands of clueless people without this indispensible knowledge. Just don't blackmail BoUNCe. We'll cut you.