By Michael Jarvis
In light of a recent spate of inventions at the national level, including most recently the Bush administration's creation of a "hurricane machine," here's a quick rundown of some of the best new projects from the brightest minds at UNC.
Remote Detonation Roofies - Since it can hide in her system for up to 3 years, when a moment without witnesses turns into the right moment, you WILL be ready. Alternate advertising on Lifetime network emphasizes sex avoidance capabilities for married women.
Magic Self Improvement 8 ball -With over 500 inspiring messages - some of the more frequently seen being "stop popping your collar, douchebag" and "your pubic hair is not attractive" - this should serve as a useful tool for students of all ages.
P2P video game - slated to be placed in the pit as early as 2008, this apparatus will allow actual students to drive the P2Ps by use of video cameras, remote controls, and the Xbox 360. Grain alcohol and peanuts will be served. If student response is enthusiastic and consistent, UNC Department of Transportation expects a 122% increase in P2P efficiency with concurrent decreases in accidents and general assholism. Unfortunately, twelve Franklin Street bums will lose their jobs.
Invisibility Cloak - as seen in Harry Potters 2 and 3. The girls' locker rooms at the SRC will never be the same.
Richard Gere Death Ray - will destroy Richard Gere at a distance of up to 70 yards. Paul Giamatti and Lisa Kudrow versions are also under development.
Jew Sensor - exactly the same as the Richard Gere Death Ray series, except that it senses Judaism (race or religion) and will not destroy Richard Gere.
Chase for Men, by Aqua Velva - plucky young alchemists have distilled the essence of the former Chase Dining Hall into a cheap cologne. Early tests show that, while wearing Chase for Men, your chances of having sex with/being eaten by fat south campus girls increases by 140%, with a concurrent decrease in chances of sex with any other living creature.
Time-Out Thought Sensor - attach this to the back of your neck before a night of heavy drinking. The device will send electric shocks along your spinal column every time you think that patronizing Time-Out is a good idea.
These success stories have inspired countless inventors around the world. So get goin', Chapel Hillians; you may hold the key that will unlock the door leading to the next awesome invention.