By Will Jones
If you're anything like me, Thanksgiving is that magical time of year when Dad drains his eighth vodka tonic of the evening and, instead of beating you, merely insults you in front of your whole family by saying how you'll never have a future and pointing out how in his day only homosexuals and communists were comedy writers. It's a whole lot of fun, and occasionally there is something that is vaguely reminiscent of a turkey to eat. But where did it come from? We here at BoUNCe, ever keeping a vigilant eye on the origin of holidays, did some research and came up with a definitive history of Thanksgiving. Enjoy!
The Pilgrims
"Pilgrim" is actually the old English word for "idiot." Somewhere along the line, someone told these guys that it was a good idea to be a religious radical in 16th century England. Bad call. So they got tossed out and decided to sail pretty much blindly across the North Atlantic. Bad call #2. But the fates were kind and they eventually landed. Of course the fates weren't really that kind as they made the Pilgrims land in Massa-fucking-chusettes at the start of winter. Either way, they then decided that Massachusetts was God's land, and so they settled right there. Looking for good farmland or a warmer climate is for heathens, after all, and they knew that God would provide.
Now, if they knew their bible correctly, then this land was for them and them alone and if you so much as tried to take it they would cut you so bad that you'd be all like "Ahh my spleen!!" and so on. Truly this was God's land. God must have missed the memo, though, because the Pilgrims started starving and freezing their asses off pretty quickly. To put it gently, it was raining shit all over the Pilgrims.
The Indians
Fortunately for the Pilgrims, about then they met the Indians, who were really Native Americans if you want to be a bleeding heart Jew liberal. The Indians showed them other things to eat, like corn and woodland creatures. They were impressed with the Pilgrims' thundersticks (until they got tired of hearing Sleeps In Your Wife's Bed chuckle "I've got a thunderstick for ya"). Plus, the Pilgrims were nice and gave them nice things to drink and warm blankets in return. It was a happy time for all.
Now before the white man came, the Indians lived in a perfect state of harmony with nature. There was only one tribe covering all of North America, an idyllic culture whose main characteristics involved an abundance of deep-fat frying and an obsession with rugby. All were happy as the sun shone and fluffy bunnies played in the endless meadows.
When the Pilgrims came, life was destroyed. Wal-Marts immediately popped up everywhere, the stock market crashed, obesity levels skyrocketed, and everyone started wearing pink polo shirts with popped collars. "Fuck," said the Indians. But, being the nice Indians that they were, they decided to be friendly to these new white devils. They sent Squanto, the nerd of the group who was very susceptible to peer pressure, to talk to the buckle-clad crackers. When they stopped shooting at him long enough for him to talk, he managed to con them out of some firewater (which Sleeps In Your Wife's Bed eagerly distributed among the young squaws). A friendship to span the ages was born.
Thanksgiving
So one night, Ronald Parkenswith sent a carrier pigeon to his good friend Cheats at Five Card Draw inviting him to dinner. But 'Cheats' was on the outs with his girlfriend and thought he should invite her along to show that he really did want her to be part of his life. She brought her best friend along, and the whole thing snowballed until the entire Indian population of Massachusetts was attending. Well, Ronald was trying to hook up with Spreads Her Legs Wide, and to do that he needed a wing man, so he brought his friend James into the whole thing, and pretty soon James had the entire Pilgrim village at the table.
So there everyone was, feeling awkward because all the Indians were vegetarians and the Pilgrims had made turkey, when an Indian overheard a Pilgrim talking about his impotence. The Indian leaned to his buddy and whispered, "Man, I'm thankful that I'm not that flaccid bastard." The other Indian agreed, and Thanksgiving, as we know and love it today, was born.
It's been a few hundred years since then, but the traditions of Thanksgiving are still strong. Loose women, booze, meat, and penis jokes are still the mainstays of the season. So here's BoUNCe wishing you a fun, safe, and more importantly injury-free Thanksgiving. Your religious fanatic ancestors would be so proud.