By Clayton Margeson
Campus Security released a statement on October 23 concerning the late night mugging. The victim, Mary Shreiver, was attempting to withdraw money from the ATM located on Raleigh Road at approximately 3:00 A.M. It was at this time that she was approached by a man dressed in gray with a black stocking pulled over his head and "a bushy beard poking out underneath." Miss Shreiver was forced to withdraw a large sum of money from the ATM while held at gunpoint.
"It was awful," Miss Shreiver later told reporters. "It was a big gun that flared out at the end, like one of those musket-things. Plus, he called it an ATM machine! The machine is included, it's not an Automated Teller Machine…machine!"
Police reviewed the footage taken by the ATM's installed camera and apprehended local Old Timey Gun Lovers Anonymous organizer Leo Callahan who had been positively identified on account of his Confederate soldier's uniform, big bushy beard, and use of a gun no one else would want to use. The money was found in a brown jug with large X's painted on the side of it. The gun, now positively identified as a blunderbuss, was cause of great concern, however, in dealing out Callahan's punishment.
Judge Jon Adorak had this to say: "Technically, a blunderbuss is so inaccurate that we can't charge him with assault with a deadly weapon. In all honesty, even at point blank range, he could never have hit the poor girl. Especially with all that whiskey he drank…God that man can drink some whiskey."