By Kara Duffle
In a shockingly bold move, South Campus has seceded from the Union in response to the "North Campus collar-popping-assholes." "This has been coming for a long time," said North Campus student Brett Weiss. "Those South Campus kids have been stirring up trouble ever since they opened Ram's Head."
Patty Chuang, the small but frightening leader of the Revolutionary Party for South Campus stated, "The only thing we were missing on South Campus was the classrooms, and let's face it, those have nothing to do with the college experience anyway." Students throughout South Campus agreed with Patty, all of them rejecting the entire idea of "education."
"We have feelings, too!" stated Hinton James representative Sarah Yoder. Focusing on the condescending nature of North Campus students, she also sayed, "We South Campus kids were getting really tired of the North Campus kids getting all in our face. We all know that they are just jealous of our jukebox." The lack of respect was demoralizing and frustrating as South Campus students suffered their way through a lack of air-conditioning and a long-ass walk. Through all of their hardships, the South Campus students experience a complete deprivation of kudos while North Campus students sit fat and happy on a pedestal-a lazy-ass, Alpine-Bagel-eating pedestal-and the South Campus kids are sick of it.
When it came right down to it, the students of South Campus were angry, and kicking squirrels and condemning other university students to hell just wasn't as satisfying anymore. After the split, South Campus students came together in a councel including representatives from Ehringhaus, Craige, Morrison, and Hinton James communities (all working under small but vicious Patty Chuang) to form the New Nation of Islam-unless, of course, that name's already been taken.